I lay on what I knew was going to end up being my deathbed wondering where it all went wrong. Throughout most of my life I had been bullied for being the ‘different kid’ and then when I tried to go through Uni I didn’t even make it past the second year, dropping out. I spent the next three years of my life trying to search for a job, miserable and thinking that I was useless and that no one would ever want me. Until 2 years ago when everything started to get better for me, when I realised I was trans and started to transition, I found people who got me, started dating again and got my dream job.
Then, as I was starting to be happy with my life I caught a disease that had a name so long that I couldn’t remember what it was, all I knew was that it had a low survival rate. Now here I am in the hospital breathing my last breath while cursing the world for torturing me for so long, then not letting me enjoy the stuff that people told me would make it all worth it in the end. I wished I could just restart everything and do it properly, there was so much stuff I would change about my life now that I had experienced it.
There was no point in me having these thoughts so I tried to get out of this depressive spiral by looking around the room for the thousandth time since I was moved here. The room I was in was a typical hospital room with the incessant rhythmic beeping of my vitals monitor and the quiet cacophony of many other machines that are naively trying to prolong my life as much as they can. The walls, ceiling and floor were the usual boring sterile white, the dividers, which gave me little privacy from the other patients in the room, and the beds were a pale blue that barely added any colour to the room. Outside the window was a forest which had the last light of the autumn sun shining above it, I could already see a few of the brighter stars shining in the sky.
I had run out of things to look at and was about to start having depressive thoughts again when a knock softly hit my door jolting me out it. Before I could answer the door opened to my parents coming in to say their final goodbyes, the doctors had told us yesterday that I would be lucky to last until next morning so my parents had decided to say goodbye now before it was too late. They looked like they had been crying a lot and weren’t sleeping enough, but they tried to not show how they were feeling in front of me in a naïve attempt to try and ease my mind.
‘Justin’ my mother said sombrely, calling me by my deadname even though I had been on HRT for about a year now, I had hoped that today, of all days, they would just call me Elizabeth. She grabbed hold of my hand while saying ‘I had never thought that this would happen and it is difficult saying goodbye to my own son. But if God has decided to take you from us now then I will trust in his judgement, we love you and will miss you, but one day we will see each other again in heaven.’
With her religious speech that somehow made it look like me dying was worse for my mother than me done my mother let my hand go and stood up, barely holding back tears. Letting my dad say his goodbyes. ‘Son’ My father said, almost crying but barely holding it in, even though he was a traditional man he could be really emotional sometimes. Instead of taking my hand he placed a hand on my shoulder and looked over me as I laid in the bed, not having enough energy left to even sit up. ‘I can’t really say much that your mother hasn’t already said except that I also love you and wish that this hadn’t happened’ not one for long speech’s that was all my dad said.
‘Thanks, I love you two too and wish I could have more time’ I said in a raspy, quiet, voice, part of the diseases symptoms was being hard of breath so I couldn’t say much. Seeing that I had finished talking they then started to turn to leave but I could feel my body giving out and I probably had minutes left so, being the dramatic bitch that I am, I said my final words that I had spent the last week coming up with after I was moved to the ICU, ‘But my name… is Liz…’ then the world went black before I could see them turn around and I knew I was dead.
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