“Well. He’s kind of a dick.” Jada leaned against Axle suggestively, and he chuckled.
I turned and frowned at the Knowle. “Not in my experience,” I said.
“He didn’t even say thanks to you for helping him baby.” Jada idly played with the wet fur on Axle’s chest, and I grimaced.
“He doesn’t have speech,” I retorted. Doofus was my friend, and I wasn’t going to let these guys talk shit about him.
“Oh it’s just boy shit babe, don’t worry about it.” Axle pushed away from her gently, turning to face me. His tongue still lolled, but he was breathing easier already. Jada nipped at his chin, but he merely smiled at her. “Jada, business.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes, but turned away to go lounge on a nearby picnic table. Axle turned and shrugged at me.
“Don’t worry, we won’t be getting in any fights. Jada feels like she has to put on a show of not liking your dog because he’s a valid sexual competitor for me, that’s all. That’s the relationship on this planet, right? Humans own dogs? He’s yours?” He leaned casually against the truck as he spoke.
“Ah, yeah, sort of. Not me and Doof, he chose me to be his best friend. Mr. Sada used to own him though.” When I finished talking, I scanned the horizon before removing my helmet. Axle nodded at me when I turned back to face him.
“Seems odd. Some people say you own them, some people say they are family. Could you own family before BuyMort?” He wiped at his own chest, slinging away some of the froth.
“Um,” I started. “Not supposed to, no, the distinction was more about legal status within the government. I never thought of dogs as property, but that’s technically what they were.”
“Ah. I see.” His tail stopped wagging, and his ears tilted back. “Dogs were unable to participate in your governmental systems, so they were not offered rights and protections like the rest of you. Exactly what Knowles face on every BuyMort world.”
I blinked. His line of reasoning made me stop and think. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Dogs aren’t . . . people though. You guys are.”
“Something tells me people meant humans on this world, before BuyMort. What is the singular form of people?” he asked.
“Person.” I adjusted my belt unconsciously. Really didn’t need the new pants Lee had bought me, which were a little over-sized, falling down in front of my new employee while he interrogated me.
“Would you agree that what makes a person a person is primarily a personality?” His paw extended casually, and after a pause, I nodded.
“Yeah. Shit.” I scowled at the pavement.
Axle stepped forward and clapped me on the shoulder. “Hey, don’t worry about the past. Nu-Earth is a new world now. If you want to treat dogs like people, treat them like people. Certainly won’t harm anything to do so.”
His tail was wagging softly again, and his ears were more relaxed. “I’m just glad to see that you can hear reason, if we’re going to be working together.”
I nodded and snapped my fingers. “Speaking of.”
Axle nodded, raising his own hand to stop me. “You mentioned something about an urgent need for a freshwater source?”
“Yes. Yes I did.” I motioned to the picnic table Jada was seated at and started toward it. Axle followed and sat down beside his mate. I sat across from them both.
“Right. Here’s my situation. I’m trying to get this affiliate off its feet and sustainable. Right now we just have the wall completed, and some basic shelter in the form of tents. I got us a small generator earlier for mobile power needs, but it’s limited.”
“For use by security forces primarily, I assume.” Axle added.
“Yes, but our civilian population can use it as long as it doesn’t disrupt security.” I continued.
“We have everything you see here to work with, plus a large, underground facility.” I paused and raised my eyebrows. “Once I clear out the Sleem infestation.”
Jada’s eyes widened at that. “Sleem? I knew this was too good to be true.”
She reached for her pack and grabbed a map of the area, before unfolding it on her side of the table.
The giant humanoid hyena across from me started casually muttering to herself and marking on the map with a sharpie. “No more forest, we know the yarsps are nesting there. . .”
I glanced between her and Axle, and he chuckled. “She’s picking our next route. If this doesn’t work out.”
“Oh,” I said.
He barked a short laugh and shook his head. “Don’t worry brother, just negative visualization. Helpful tactic, just in case. You say you’re going to clear out the Sleem personally?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m in charge of the whole place, and pretty good at killing Sleem. We’re hoping to just contain them though, I mapped out their lair last night and found a place I think has potential.”
Jada’s eyebrow raised. Axle nudged her. “Sleem farm’s are good money. Steady market.”
“Why is that?” I asked on an impulse. Axle seemed smart and knowledgeable so far. He proved my instincts right.
“Oh, demand. So much demand for Sleem bodies. They put that shit in everything, excuse my language.” He glanced at me, but when I shrugged and waved a hand, he continued.
“Yeah, Sleem carcasses can be easily rendered into thousands of useful items. Primarily, it’s a cheap and easy way to make gelatin, which goes in everything. Once rendered, Sleem are perfectly safe for consumption by most sapient species. A great many affiliates make Sleem based products.”
I grimaced. “Gelatin?”
Axle chuckled. “Horrible, isn’t it? Your soap, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste. Everything in a standard bathroom has Sleem in it. Rendered Sleem is used in the creation of wet mud-crete, so it’s a primary construction material. It’s used in the construction of partially-conductive plastics, so massive in the electronics department. Sleem is in fuckin everything, its disgusting. Don’t get me started about the kitchen either.”
“My gran’paw was allergic to Sleem.” Jada said idly, without looking up. “Made findin’ food on BuyMort hard.”
Axle rubbed his shoulder against her gently, and she reached over to nip his exposed arm. I smiled politely and nodded. “Huh.”
“Yeah.” She said, looking directly at me without changing the angle of her head. “Sleem farms are good money. You get them contained and we’ll think about staying.”
I shrugged and nodded. “Yeah, I can’t really blame you on that. Our hobbs are up on the situation and patrolling for them pretty much all day and night.”
I gestured in the distance, where a group of three armed hobbs were casually strolling through the tents, engaged in idle conversation.
I could see that the conversation was an act, for the benefit of the people they protected. Each of them was looking hard at any dark shadows and checking the mud-crete capped sewer pipes in each site.
Axle watched them for a few seconds and nodded. “Nobody wants to live with Sleem. You’ll kill them, or they’ll kill you. If they kill you, we leave, no offense.”
My laugh caught the attention of a passing raven, who dipped a wing and cawed. Axle looked up at the passing bird.
“Oh, that reminds me,” I said. “The ravens here are partners in our affiliate, they scout for us. If you leave any trash around, they like to gather that stuff and sell it, so feel free. Please don’t hurt any of them, if you decide to stay.”
Axle nodded understandingly. “Don’t worry. Shall we talk more about the affiliate's basic needs?”
“Yes please.” I folded my hands together on the table, and we got into it.
“How much is your operational budget?” He asked.
“We don’t have one.” I instantly responded.
“Oh. Okay. How much do you have set aside for this project?” he tried again.
“Nothing right now. I was hoping you would give me an estimate on how much it would cost first?” I squinted as I asked.
Axle nodded slowly, staring at me, and nibbling on the inside of his own cheek. “Huh. Not how we usually work.”
Jada raised her eyebrows and cocked her head. “Unprofessional. Corpo-divergent.”
Axle’s expression darkened and he turned to look at her. I raised a hand and shook my head.
“That’s okay. I’m not professional, and I know it. It wasn’t professional to come out and pick you guys up when I have militia after my head. Or to make an enemy of the Dearth Conglomerate in the first place.”
I leaned back in my seat and stretched my back a little. My late night and poor sleep were starting to catch up to me, and it wasn’t even noon yet.
Almost though. My psychic phone read 11:23 AM when I checked the time. “I’m just trying to survive it and protect those I’m with.”
Axle shared a look with Jada and they both nodded. “You guys are famous back at our previous compound,” he said.
“Yeah, that’s where those militia boys are camped out. The yarsp nest in the forest should keep them away for a while.” Jada added, still staring at her map.
“Unless they just take the long way around, here.” Her pen traced a short arc from the city around the top of the forest and down the road directly to us.
Axle glanced around. “Exposed here.” He pointed to the walls enclosing the compound.
“Goblin construction has one major benefit. It’s cheap. To take proper advantage is to use the service in bulk. If you have even a small budget, I can guide improvements to your compound security just by refining what you have in place.”
“Sounds like if we did that, which I would love, we should probably install some basic housing and infrastructure at the same time?” I drummed my fingers on the table as I started to understand Axles skillset. He really did know a ton of stuff.
He nodded, licking his nose.
“Yes and no. Don’t go overboard and pay for things you can’t really use right now, but if you intend to upgrade the housing situation here, a goblin construction contract for . . . say, half a million morties in the current market? Could get you something significantly more secure and comfortable.”
The Knowle looked around, focusing on the tents. “Basic mud-crete huts are warm in the winter, cool in the summer. Solid walls, good sound insulation. Decent comfort for most species, easily upgraded to include water and power, and a reasonable amount of protection against most dream storms.”
“Well I am sold like mold.” I swiped up my BuyMort affiliate account to see that Mr. Sada had transferred another two million. It felt guilty, and I instantly knew what he was doing.
The idiot child was torturing himself about how much of his new fortune to provide for the affiliate. The first ten million had been his biggest gut reaction, but now he was fully aware of how pathetically small an amount it was compared to what he had acquired by brutalizing our fledgling spider ranch.
The extra two million was his way of trying to make it feel like he was being generous.
You are reading story BuyMort: Rise of the Windowpuncher – How I Became the Accidental Warlord of Arizona. Apocalyptic GameLit at novel35.com
Whatever. I sighed and swiped two million into the Knowles affiliate expense account.
Giving Access to Affiliate Accounts. By enrolling others into your Silken Sands Affiliate Services, you assert that, as owner, joint owner or custodian on the accounts represented in your enrollment, you understand that all owners of your accounts or anyone with whom you share your access will be an Authorized User, and that authority will be considered limited only in the ways that you have specified. In all other regards, said service affiliate retains full authority to perform all transactions relating to the stated accounts, until you notify BuyMort and amend the agreement accordingly. Each transaction will also carry a BuyMort auxiliary transaction fee to expedite the services.
I’m not going to lie. I read every word of that. In the old world, I wouldn’t have, but here I was, being a lawyer type to a tee. I seethed at the auxiliary transaction fee. But in the end, I clicked yes. I mean, where the hell else was I going to go? Everything was BuyMort. Your corporate and consumer friendly, neighborhood-level stranglehold.
The account limited what they could spend it on and required my approval before any sale, so I expected the morties I provided to accomplish several goals.
I figured that amount was a good place to start, and once I knew them a bit better we could expand that to more automation and funding. Assuming they helped in the way they said they could and didn’t cause me trouble.
“I would love to install some upgrades for my spider ranch, so I’ve allocated more funding than you requested. Do try to keep some of it for water acquisition, but focus on the basic housing upgrades we discussed, and the spider ranch.”
My smile was genuine, driven by a rare glimmer of hope. Assuming Dearth didn’t start taking us seriously and crush us before we could establish, or Mr. Sada didn’t fuck us over beyond my ability to fix, I was starting to suspect we had a legitimate chance.
Axle, Jada, and I left the parking lot in the golf cart as I took them on a tour. Axle sat up front and directed me to different areas as we went, and Jada took extensive notes in a rapid shorthand that I was totally unable to read.
Knowle language was flowing and utilized imagery in its lettering that I found evocative. After she caught me trying to watch her write several times, Jada turned so I could no longer see the pad.
First we went over to the residential area, as Axle called it. Several sites were in use already, with many tents set up. It had been our main camping area, with three long rows of spaced out sites.
Most of the humans in residence were scattered into several groups, some had more than one tent on a site, but for the most part they spread out.
The hobbs did the opposite and clumped up. Each of their tents was near other tents, and they only resided in camping sites that were right next door to each other.
Several common areas were established between sites.
Axle nodded as I explained the water and power hookups, the septic pipes, and why they had to be covered.
“Well, it’s easy enough to remove mud-crete once the Sleem are contained. We can use all of that without much issue. It’s also easy to dig up and move surface level pipes or wiring as needed for the new housing.”
He casually waved a paw. Without warning a series of menus flipped into my vision, each of them labeled for a different domestic category. My eyes widened in wonder, even as my head bent backward from the sudden onslaught.
“But if you’d like to cut to the chase, I have an Affiliate I like to do all of my business through. They specialize in First-Year Civilizations, FYCs for short, and they do a lot of good work at pretty good rates.”
I frowned. “Should I assume you get a cut of those rates?”
“I’d think you were an idiot if you didn’t. But in my line of work, I only sign in on cuts with groups that I respect. I’ve got a real reputation to protect if you get what I mean.”
I couldn’t see him well enough to lock eyes with him, so I gave him a thumbs up. When he didn’t react, I sighed. “Yeah, let’s narrow this down to the affiliate. What have you got for me?”
The files folded into themselves, imploding from existence and disappearing into some nether world. Or else giving me cancer. Didn’t matter, not with my starfish ready to grind and grow.
In places of the files I was presented with video, streamed directly into my skull. A giant field, with homes of different shapes, styles and sizes extending in every direction. Above me, in the sunny blue of an Earth-type atmosphere, the few clouds clotted together to form words.
WELCOME TO LEAHCIM CONSTRUCTION AND DOMESTICS
As my eyes read the words a small biplane buzzed through, adding more cloud words to the sky.
SAY “SAME DAY” FOR OUR NO FUSS MUST HAVE SAME DAY LOANS AND DEFERRED PAYMENT PLAN
I swear I crossed my eyes at that. I’d taken a same day loan once in my life and by the time I’d paid that bastard off, it’d amounted to 2000% of what I’d gotten in the first place. And that was before BuyMort. Hard pass.
Still, Axle recommended this place and I was happy enough to give it a go. I knew from previous experience with these affiliates that the ad space they used was all time-compressed anyways, so I could wander a bit and take a breather. Examine these things thoroughly. Even try them on for size. Assuming these memory files or whatever the hell they really were had to show the truth.
Peering about, I noticed that I was at a crossroads of sorts. If I were to dissect what I could see into four distinct quadrants, I would put up signs saying Upper-class, Middle-class, Lower-class, and Holy-Damn that sucks. Some of the homes in the last were simply tents, boxes and even a barrel. With price tags that really put cost of living into perspective.
I moved to investigate the first of these structures, a wooden cube that opened on the one side and wasn’t tall enough to stand up in. My eyes goggled when I realized, though, that it was bigger on the inside than the outside. Not massively so, but enough to qualify as a studio apartment in most big cities.
BACHELOR BLOCK - Easy to transport, requires little land to place, why go big when your family is so small? Bachelor block is perfect for the unbound gentleman, the man on the move, the guy that all women seek to tie down. Why not seek the best in single-living? Be Budget-concious and brave. Buy Bachelor Block. 150,000 morties, 4.1 stars.
I was intrigued. I wasn’t going to buy it. Or was I? We had lots more room than this in practically every structure. But a bunch of these could house an army in a small space. Leaving the rest of the land to cultivation. Growing food out of the system, sustaining themselves off the grid. Or growing more silk, assuming that market didn’t crash. I mentally favorited the item for later perusal, then examined the devices within it.
Really, I didn’t need to look for buildings at all, as Axle had told me he was going to provide designs for the goblin work crews to use. I trusted his judgment to save us some money, with how expensive anything prefab was looking. A quick flick of my wrist switched the offers to furnishings and I continued.
The first thing I grabbed looked like a metallic segmented ball, a scared robotic centipede rolled up into itself. I picked it up and twisted it this way and that, checking out its angles.
Segga-Bed, the rolling ball of durable comfort. Need a bed but don’t have room? Guess again and segga-bed that shit. Segga-bed unrolls to accomodate up to two people of human height and width, and its hard exterior means that it offers fair warning against attacks from below. Segga-Bed also comes complete with a dream alarm, warning you the user against the dark desires of your own dream purchases and waking you when it senses danger. 100,000 morties, 3.9 stars.
That was near. I moved over to the reviews to see why they were under 4.
Damn alarm goes off constantly. Seems broken. 1 star.
Well that sucked. I rolled up to the 4 star, not trusting the 5’s.
Bought it for my home. Works well. The alarm function is crazy but you can turn it off completely. Worth the buy. One star off for lying about the alarm, but whatever, it’s worth it if you’ve got the morties.
If you’ve got the morties. Yeah, I didn’t have enough to get one of these for everybody, that was for sure. I favorited this one as well, though, since it felt like something good for later, when we were settled better.
“Hey, LEAHCIM, show me more beds,” I yelled. The whole world morphed around me, changing into a huge dormitory. Like one of those metal marine quonset huts that you see in the movies, but a million times bigger.
“Cut everything expensive, show me stuff I can buy in bulk for a buttload of people.”
There was a strange whirring and suddenly the quonset hut was the size I was used to seeing. There were ten beds in the space, each of them peculiar in design.
“Alright,” I said to the ceiling. “Lay it on me. What are the specs?”
A beam highlighted a thing that looked like a seashell, so small that he hadn’t noticed it before.
SLEEPTIGHT - The multidimensional solution to planetary swarms. Are you worried about the mukluks swimming through the bogs? The criknats rolling over your cities and homes. The Sleem swarming everywhere, eating all organics in sight?
SLEEPTIGHT is for you. Specially designed for the wartorn hell-zone of overrun first-year planets, this multidimensional sleep space encases your exact dimensions into a sphere of existence of its own, putting you away from danger and into the restful throes of relaxing sleep-paralysis. SLEEPTIGHT stays activated for an invigorating 12 hours a day, requiring another 12 hours of recharge between uses.
Sleep safe and stay safe. SLEEPTIGHT! 25,000 morties, 3.2 stars.
“Gah,” I gasped involuntarily. It would take a nightmare of a planet to get anyone to use that product. But I understood it. If things didn’t change hard and soon, Earth was gonna be exactly the sort of market in need of these nightmare shells.
“Basic living. That’s it. Some sort of set, beds, toilet, sink, everything that an Earth human might need. Whatcha got for me?”
The world around me pixelated briefly, then I found myself in a room that reminded me of a peasant hut mixed with modern living. There was a stove in the center, then around it were sections. A sleeping section, an eating section, a recreational section complete with a small flat viewscreen on the wall, and a bathroom section with wall shower and tiled walls.
ALL-IN-ONE RESIDENTIAL STARTER KIT. Why live like a bum when you can scratch by as a regal peasant? Using the massive influx of sold and used Nu-Earth goods LEAHCIM CONSTRUCTION AND DOMESTICS has put together the perfect package for quick, easy and CHEAP worthwhile living. 40,000 morties ea., 4 stars.
That was extremely cheap, all things considered. Some part of me realized that the items were metaphorically stained with blood — that the owners of these items had almost certainly died screaming while they were robbed and looted. But this was survival and I couldn’t ask for a better price.
I bookmarked it and figured I’d order as many as necessary when it came time. Doing it now would be jumping the gun, especially since I wasn’t sure what structures we’d be using yet. Then I exited the affiliate’s ad space, jerking a little as I came to.
Axle nodded, signaling that he knew I was back in the here and now, and he continued as if he’d never stopped talking.
“Of course, if we upgrade the power system, we’ll need to upgrade the wiring for each residence as well, so I’ll go with a design that makes future investment easier. I know just the one.”
We moved on. Jada made us cruise by both gates, and I thought about introducing them to Molls and Phyllis, but Axle shook his head when I suggested it.
“Best if we get on with the tour. We can meet folk later, in the course of our work. Be more natural that way anyhow.”
“Plus you hate priests,” Jada muttered from the backseat. I ignored the comment.
The second patch of sites we decided to leave available for potential farmland. It had fewer sites, and I suggested leaving space for my friends to have some peace and quiet from the residential blocks.
I also explained the situation with the ravens, only to see Jada quietly making friends with one in the background.
It wasn’t Darclau, but the bird was happily nuzzling at the beads in Jada’s braided hair while she cooed at him and gently rubbed his feathers with a claw.
Down in the open desert beyond the sites, Axle and Jada walked around and took measurements while I waited in the golf cart. They clearly had plans for the area, but upon returning to the cart, neither of them wanted to share much.
“I have hopes, boss. If we end up staying, this is a good patch for some projects for us. Stuff to benefit the affiliate, don’t worry. Let’s not get bogged down in all that, keep the tour moving.”
Axle waved a hand to emphasize the task at hand.
“What about you, by the way? Where are you living?”
I sighed and shook my head. “Been crashing at my bosses the last couple nights. A friends before that. The Sleem stole my trailer day one.”
Axle nodded grimly. “They do that. We can get you something built in the time it takes you to clear them out from below, where would you like it? With the other residential buildings?”
My head cocked to the side. “No, actually. I have my own site, let me show you.”
I checked as we drove by, but Molls was not on Phyllis’ deck anymore. Phyllis was, but she was watching TV again.
Seemed like a good life.