Who, hearing the foregoing discourse of Don Quixote, would not have set him down for a person of great good sense and greater rectitude of purpose? But, as has been frequently observed in the course of this great history, he only talked nonsense when he touched on chivalry, and in discussing all other subjects showed that he had a clear and unbiassed understanding; so that at every turn his acts gave the lie to his intellect, and his intellect to his acts; but in the case of these second counsels that he gave Sancho he showed himself to have a lively turn of humour, and displayed conspicuously his wisdom, and also his folly.
Sancho listened to him with the deepest attention, and endeavoured to fix his counsels in his memory, like one who meant to follow them and by their means bring the full promise of his government to a happy issue. Don Quixote, then, went on to say:
“With regard to the mode in which thou shouldst govern thy person and thy house, Sancho, the first charge I have to give thee is to be clean, and to cut thy nails, not letting them grow as some do, whose ignorance makes them fancy that long nails are an ornament to their hands, as if those excrescences they neglect to cut were nails, and not the talons of a lizard-catching kestrel — a filthy and unnatural abuse.
“Go not ungirt and loose, Sancho; for disordered attire is a sign of an unstable mind, unless indeed the slovenliness and slackness is to he set down to craft, as was the common opinion in the case of Julius Caesar.
“Ascertain cautiously what thy office may be worth; and if it will allow thee to give liveries to thy servants, give them respectable and serviceable, rather than showy and gay ones, and divide them between thy servants and the poor; that is to say, if thou canst clothe six pages, clothe three and three poor men, and thus thou wilt have pages for heaven and pages for earth; the vainglorious never think of this new mode of giving liveries.
“Eat not garlic nor onions, lest they find out thy boorish origin by the smell; walk slowly and speak deliberately, but not in such a way as to make it seem thou art listening to thyself, for all affectation is bad.
“Dine sparingly and sup more sparingly still; for the health of the whole body is forged in the workshop of the stomach.
“Be temperate in drinking, bearing in mind that wine in excess keeps neither secrets nor promises.
“Take care, Sancho, not to chew on both sides, and not to eruct in anybody’s presence.”
“Eruct!” said Sancho; “I don’t know what that means.”
“To eruct, Sancho,” said Don Quixote, “means to belch, and that is one of the filthiest words in the Spanish language, though a very expressive one; and therefore nice folk have had recourse to the Latin, and instead of belch say eruct, and instead of belches say eructations; and if some do not understand these terms it matters little, for custom will bring them into use in the course of time, so that they will be readily understood; this is the way a language is enriched; custom and the public are all-powerful there.”
“In truth, senor,” said Sancho, “one of the counsels and cautions I mean to bear in mind shall be this, not to belch, for I’m constantly doing it.”
“Eruct, Sancho, not belch,” said Don Quixote.
“Eruct, I shall say henceforth, and I swear not to forget it,” said Sancho.
“Likewise, Sancho,” said Don Quixote, “thou must not mingle such a quantity of proverbs in thy discourse as thou dost; for though proverbs are short maxims, thou dost drag them in so often by the head and shoulders that they savour more of nonsense than of maxims.”
“God alone can cure that,” said Sancho; “for I have more proverbs in me than a book, and when I speak they come so thick together into my mouth that they fall to fighting among themselves to get out; that’s why my tongue lets fly the first that come, though they may not be pat to the purpose. But I’ll take care henceforward to use such as befit the dignity of my office; for ‘in a house where there’s plenty, supper is soon cooked,’ and ‘he who binds does not wrangle,’ and ‘the bell-ringer’s in a safe berth,’ and ‘giving and keeping require brains.’”
“That’s it, Sancho!” said Don Quixote; “pack, tack, string proverbs together; nobody is hindering thee! ‘My mother beats me, and I go on with my tricks.’ I am bidding thee avoid proverbs, and here in a second thou hast shot out a whole litany of them, which have as much to do with what we are talking about as ‘over the hills of Ubeda.’ Mind, Sancho, I do not say that a proverb aptly brought in is objectionable; but to pile up and string together proverbs at random makes conversation dull and vulgar.
“When thou ridest on horseback, do not go lolling with thy body on the back of the saddle, nor carry thy legs stiff or sticking out from the horse’s belly, nor yet sit so loosely that one would suppose thou wert on Dapple; for the seat on a horse makes gentlemen of some and grooms of others.
“Be moderate in thy sleep; for he who does not rise early does not get the benefit of the day; and remember, Sancho, diligence is the mother of good fortune, and indolence, its opposite, never yet attained the object of an honest ambition.
“The last counsel I will give thee now, though it does not tend to bodily improvement, I would have thee carry carefully in thy memory, for I believe it will be no less useful to thee than those I have given thee already, and it is this — never engage in a dispute about families, at least in the way of comparing them one with another; for necessarily one of those compared will be better than the other, and thou wilt be hated by the one thou hast disparaged, and get nothing in any shape from the one thou hast exalted.
“Thy attire shall be hose of full length, a long jerkin, and a cloak a trifle longer; loose breeches by no means, for they are becoming neither for gentlemen nor for governors.
“For the present, Sancho, this is all that has occurred to me to advise thee; as time goes by and occasions arise my instructions shall follow, if thou take care to let me know how thou art circumstanced.”
“Senor,” said Sancho, “I see well enough that all these things your worship has said to me are good, holy, and profitable; but what use will they be to me if I don’t remember one of them? To be sure that about not letting my nails grow, and marrying again if I have the chance, will not slip out of my head; but all that other hash, muddle, and jumble — I don’t and can’t recollect any more of it than of last year’s clouds; so it must be given me in writing; for though I can’t either read or write, I’ll give it to my confessor, to drive it into me and remind me of it whenever it is necessary.”
“Ah, sinner that I am!” said Don Quixote, “how bad it looks in governors not to know how to read or write; for let me tell thee, Sancho, when a man knows not how to read, or is left-handed, it argues one of two things; either that he was the son of exceedingly mean and lowly parents, or that he himself was so incorrigible and ill-conditioned that neither good company nor good teaching could make any impression on him. It is a great defect that thou labourest under, and therefore I would have thee learn at any rate to sign thy name.” “I can sign my name well enough,” said Sancho, “for when I was steward of the brotherhood in my village I learned to make certain letters, like the marks on bales of goods, which they told me made out my name. Besides I can pretend my right hand is disabled and make some one else sign for me, for ‘there’s a remedy for everything except death;’ and as I shall be in command and hold the staff, I can do as I like; moreover, ‘he who has the alcalde for his father — ,’ and I’ll be governor, and that’s higher than alcalde. Only come and see! Let them make light of me and abuse me; ‘they’ll come for wool and go back shorn;’ ‘whom God loves, his house is known to Him;’ ‘the silly sayings of the rich pass for saws in the world;’ and as I’ll be rich, being a governor, and at the same time generous, as I mean to be, no fault will he seen in me. ‘Only make yourself honey and the flies will suck you;’ ‘as much as thou hast so much art thou worth,’ as my grandmother used to say; and ‘thou canst have no revenge of a man of substance.’”
“Oh, God’s curse upon thee, Sancho!” here exclaimed Don Quixote; “sixty thousand devils fly away with thee and thy proverbs! For the last hour thou hast been stringing them together and inflicting the pangs of torture on me with every one of them. Those proverbs will bring thee to the gallows one day, I promise thee; thy subjects will take the government from thee, or there will be revolts among them. Tell me, where dost thou pick them up, thou booby? How dost thou apply them, thou blockhead? For with me, to utter one and make it apply properly, I have to sweat and labour as if I were digging.”
“By God, master mine,” said Sancho, “your worship is making a fuss about very little. Why the devil should you be vexed if I make use of what is my own? And I have got nothing else, nor any other stock in trade except proverbs and more proverbs; and here are three just this instant come into my head, pat to the purpose and like pears in a basket; but I won’t repeat them, for ‘sage silence is called Sancho.’”
“That, Sancho, thou art not,” said Don Quixote; “for not only art thou not sage silence, but thou art pestilent prate and perversity; still I would like to know what three proverbs have just now come into thy memory, for I have been turning over mine own — and it is a good one — and none occurs to me.”
“What can be better,” said Sancho, “than ‘never put thy thumbs between two back teeth;’ and ‘to “get out of my house” and “what do you want with my wife?” there is no answer;’ and ‘whether the pitcher hits the stove, or the stove the pitcher, it’s a bad business for the pitcher;’ all which fit to a hair? For no one should quarrel with his governor, or him in authority over him, because he will come off the worst, as he does who puts his finger between two back and if they are not back teeth it makes no difference, so long as they are teeth; and to whatever the governor may say there’s no answer, any more than to ‘get out of my house’ and ‘what do you want with my wife?’ and then, as for that about the stone and the pitcher, a blind man could see that. So that he ‘who sees the mote in another’s eye had need to see the beam in his own,’ that it be not said of himself, ‘the dead woman was frightened at the one with her throat cut;’ and your worship knows well that ‘the fool knows more in his own house than the wise man in another’s .’”
“Nay, Sancho,” said Don Quixote, “the fool knows nothing, either in his own house or in anybody else’s , for no wise structure of any sort can stand on a foundation of folly; but let us say no more about it, Sancho, for if thou governest badly, thine will he the fault and mine the shame; but I comfort myself with having done my duty in advising thee as earnestly and as wisely as I could; and thus I am released from my obligations and my promise. God guide thee, Sancho, and govern thee in thy government, and deliver me from the misgiving I have that thou wilt turn the whole island upside down, a thing I might easily prevent by explaining to the duke what thou art and telling him that all that fat little person of thine is nothing else but a sack full of proverbs and sauciness.”
“Senor,” said Sancho, “if your worship thinks I’m not fit for this government, I give it up on the spot; for the mere black of the nail of my soul is dearer to me than my whole body; and I can live just as well, simple Sancho, on bread and onions, as governor, on partridges and capons; and what’s more, while we’re asleep we’re all equal, great and small, rich and poor. But if your worship looks into it, you will see it was your worship alone that put me on to this business of governing; for I know no more about the government of islands than a buzzard; and if there’s any reason to think that because of my being a governor the devil will get hold of me, I’d rather go Sancho to heaven than governor to hell.”
“By God, Sancho,” said Don Quixote, “for those last words thou hast uttered alone, I consider thou deservest to be governor of a thousand islands. Thou hast good natural instincts, without which no knowledge is worth anything; commend thyself to God, and try not to swerve in the pursuit of thy main object; I mean, always make it thy aim and fixed purpose to do right in all matters that come before thee, for heaven always helps good intentions; and now let us go to dinner, for I think my lord and lady are waiting for us.”
听了唐吉诃德这番话，谁会不把他当成一个足智多谋、识见万里的人呢？不过，就像这部巨著里记述的那样，他只是在谈论骑士道时才胡言乱语，而谈论其他事情时则头脑清晰，所以他时时表现出言行不符的情况。他对桑乔的第二部分告诫表现得更为风趣，把他的才智和疯狂都提高到了一个新的高度。桑乔全神贯注地聆听着，似乎要把这些话牢牢记住，以便遵照这些话当好总督。唐吉诃德接着说道：
“至于应该如何管好你自己和你的家，桑乔，我首先告诉你，你应该注意整洁，要剪指甲，不要像某些人那样，留着长长的指甲，还以为那样手形美，其实，那倒更像丑恶的蜥蜴的爪子了。这是个不讲卫生的陋习。
“你不要衣冠不整、邋邋遢遢的，桑乔。衣冠不整给人一种萎靡不振的印象，除非像人们说凯撒大帝那样，是故意装的。
“你要认真惦量一下你的职务的分量。如果你想给你的佣人做制服，就要做既实用又大方的，别要那种花里胡哨的，而且还要兼顾穷人。我的意思是说，假如你想给六个侍童做制服，那么你就做三套，再做另外三套给穷人，这样你在天上和人间就都有人侍候了。这种做衣服的办法，虚荣心强的人是不会办到的。
“你别吃大蒜和葱头，免得人家闻到你身上有这种味就知道你是个乡巴佬。
“你走路要慢，说话要沉稳，不过，也别声音小得像是说给自己听似的。这些都不好。
“饭要少吃，尤其是晚饭，因为身体好全都靠胃里消化得好。
“酒要少喝，别忘记酒喝得多了既容易说漏嘴，又容易误事。
“你得注意，桑乔，吃饭时不要狼吞虎咽，也不要在别人面前‘嗝儿’。”
“我不懂什么叫‘嗝儿’。”桑乔说。
唐吉诃德对他说：
“‘嗝儿’就是打嗝儿，桑乔，这是西班牙文里最难听的一个词，尽管它的意义很明确。所以，斯文人就选择了拉丁语，‘打嗝儿’就说‘嗝儿’。如果有些人还是不懂，那也没关系，慢慢地人们就会接受，也就容易懂了。这样可以丰富语言，要知道能够改变俗人语言的是习惯。”
“是的，大人，”桑乔说，“我应该记住您的教诲，也就是不要打嗝儿，我总是打嗝儿。”
“是‘嗝儿’，不是‘打嗝儿’。”唐吉诃德说。
“以后我就说‘嗝儿’，”桑乔说，“肯定不会忘了。”
“还有桑乔，你说话时不要总带那么多俗语。那样虽然有时显得很简练，可更多的时候却显得牵强附会，反而显得不伦不类了。”
“这就得靠上帝帮忙了，”桑乔说，“因为我知道的俗语比书上还多。我一说话它们就拥到我的嘴边，争先恐后地要往外跑，顾不上合适不合适，还没等找到合适的词就跑了出来，不过，我以后说话一定注意，要与我的重要职位相符，反正‘家里有粮，做事不慌’，‘一言既出，难以收回’，‘站着说话不腰疼’，‘别管给还是要，都得有头脑’。”
“你就是这样，桑乔，”唐吉诃德说，“一说起俗语来就一串一串的，谁也拿你没办法！仍然是‘你说你的，我该干什么还干什么’！我正在告诉你说话时少带俗语，你就马上又说出一大串来，而且内容根本不沾边！桑乔，我并不是说讲话时带俗语不好，但如果是乱用一气，就显得既无意义又粗俗了。
“你骑马的时候不要把身子往后仰，也不要直着两条腿不夹马肚子，骑马时不能像你骑驴那样吊儿郎当的。同样是骑马，有的人像骑士，有的人就像马夫。
“你不要睡懒觉，日出不起身就等于白过了一天。你注意，桑乔，勤奋是成功之母，而懒惰从来都不能完成自己的预定目标。“我要给你的最后一句忠告不是给你美化外表的，但我希望你永远记住它，我觉得它就像我刚才说的那些话一样重要。这句话就是你永远不要追问别人的家世，至少不要互相比。一比就会有高低，被比下去的人会恨你，比上来的人也不会抬举你。
“你应该穿紧身长裤，长外衣，斗篷也要长些。至于肥腿裤，千万别穿，无论是骑士还是总督都不应该穿肥腿裤。
“桑乔，我现在想起来的就是这些。以后想起什么来再告诉你，你也别忘了把你的情况告诉我。”
“大人，”桑乔说，“我知道您对我说的这些都是善意、珍贵和有益的，可是如果我无论如何也记不住，那又有什么用呢？您不让我留长指甲，让我有机会就再结婚，我都不会忘记。可是，您说了那么一大堆东西，就像过眼烟云一样，我现在记不住，以后也记不住。最好您给我写下来。不过，我又不识字。您还是等我向牧师忏悔时，把它交给牧师吧。”
“我的天啊，”唐吉诃德说，“总督不识字多不像话呀！桑乔，你该知道，如果一个人不会写字，或者不聪明，那只能说明他的父母太卑贱，或者是他太调皮捣蛋，实在不可教养。
你的差距真不小呀。我觉得你至少得学会签字。”
“签名字我倒会。”桑乔说，“我以前是我们那儿的总管，学会了写几个字母，就像货包上的标记，人家说那就是我的名字。有时我还装作右手有毛病，让别人为我代签。反正干什么都有办法对付，若是没法对付，我反正有绝对权力，想怎么办就怎么办，更何况我还有靠山呢……我是总督，比靠山还靠山，到时候就知道了。谁要想跟我捣乱，准让他搬起石头砸自己的脚。‘富在深山有远亲，富人的蠢话也成了格言’。我当了总督，就会成为富人，而且我花钱大方，我本来就打算大方，那么我就是完人了。‘人善被人欺，’我祖母常这样说，‘有根有势，无奈他何’。”
“这个该死的桑乔，”唐吉诃德说，“真应该让你和你的俗语见鬼去！你一口气能说半天俗语，我听着像被灌了辣椒水似的。我敢保证，你这些俗语迟早得把你送上绞刑架。你的臣民们也会因为这些俗语把你从总督的位子上赶下来，或者联合起来推翻你。告诉我，你这个白痴，你哪儿来的这么多俗语？你又是怎么会用的呢？我怎么要说一句恰当的俗语就那么费劲呢？”
“天啊，我的主人，”桑乔说，“您真不该为这区区小事大动肝火。我用的是自己的东西，这跟见不见鬼有什么关系呢？别的东西我没有，除了俗语还是俗语。现在我又想起了四句俗语，用起来恐怕再恰当不过了，可是我别再说了，‘慎言即君子’嘛。”
“你可不是君子，”唐吉诃德说，“因为你不仅不慎言，而且还到处乱说，说个不停。但即使这样，我还是想听听你现在想起来的那四句非常合适的俗语是什么。我的脑子也不错，可是想了半天，也没想出一句合适的。”
桑乔说：“‘千万别往智齿中间伸指头’，‘问你想找我老婆干什么，就是叫你滚蛋，你还有什么好说的’，‘甭管石头碰坛子还是坛子碰石头，倒霉的都是坛子’，这几句话难道不是很合适吗？难道还有什么比这些更好吗？谁也别想跟总督或者管他的人过不去，否则最后吃亏的还是他自己，这就好比你要把手指放到两个智齿中间，即便不是智齿，只是放到牙齿中间也一样。不论总督说什么也别顶嘴，就好比人家对你说‘你想找我老婆干什么？滚出我家去！’一样。至于石头碰坛子的结果，就是瞎子也能看见。所以，能够看到别人眼里有斑点的人，也应该看到自己眼里的梁木①，免得别人说‘死人还怕吊死鬼’。您很清楚，傻子在家里比聪明人在外面懂得还多。”
①参见《圣经》。“为什么看见你兄弟眼中有刺，却不想想自己眼中有梁木呢？”意指看人不看己。
“不是这样，桑乔，”唐吉诃德说，“傻子无论在家里还是在外面，都是什么也不懂，而笨人什么聪明事也办不成。咱们先不说这些吧，桑乔。你如果当不好总督，那就是你的罪孽，我的耻辱。令我宽慰的是，我已经把我应该告诉你的东西都尽我所能地如实告诉你了，这就尽到了我的义务，履行了我的诺言。让上帝指引你，桑乔，督促你当好你的总督吧。我用不着担心你把整个岛屿搞得一团糟了。我只要向公爵说明你是什么人，说这个小胖子是一个满肚子俗语和坏水的家伙，就可以问心无愧了。”
“大人，”桑乔说，“如果您觉得我不配做这个总督，我就不去了。我注重人的点滴精神胜于人的整个肉体。这个桑乔当百姓时是粗茶淡饭，当了总督也不过是个酒足饭饱，更何况若论睡觉，大人物或是小人物，富人和穷人，全都是一样哩。如果您注意到了这点，就会想起当初还是您要我当岛屿总督的，我其实对管理岛屿的事一无所知。假如因为当总督而让我去阴间，我宁愿仍做桑乔升天堂，却不愿意当个总督下地狱。”
“天啊，桑乔，”唐吉诃德说，“就凭你最后这几句话，我觉得你就应该当上千个岛屿的总督。你天性好。没有好的天性，再有心计也没用。你向上帝祈祷，保佑你实现初衷吧。我是想让你不改初衷，心想事成，老天总是扶助善良的愿望。咱们去吃饭吧，那些大人大概正等着咱们呢。”