I did what was asked of me. I promised Aska that I would only keep my positive feelings to the four of them and I knew I had to keep my word. The alternative was worse, but it still didn’t feel right to slaughter them just like that. Around forty children died through my hands for a single person. And I would do it again. I still felt bad for doing such a thing and the emotional turmoil inside me was crazy, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
These were the thoughts that plagued me for three days straight as I holed myself up in a corner of my room and went crazy. Continuous torture for over a year was absolutely horrible for the mind and the time I spent with Luna after that wasn’t exactly better. My emotions went rampant more than once. The bed had to suffer under me the first. I wrecked it completely and used the remains to block the door from falling over again. Then was the mattress.
The poor mattress. Feathers flew everywhere as I ripped it to shreds and screamed my emotions out. It was a mixture of regret, happiness, and rage that engulfed me whenever I failed to contain my emotions. In a rare clear moment, I dragged the door open and threw my whole wardrobe out, only to shut myself in again. I did hope the servants weren’t allowed into this part of the building, otherwise, it would be certainly difficult to explain why someone was scratching at the wallpaper in the middle of the night.
And on the third date, I just sat in the corner, covered by a blanket with my pillow between my legs and closed my eyes, completely depressed. I survived a year of torture without too many mental breakdowns, but now, out of all times, I was done for. I hated dancing on Aska´s palm, I hated how the goddess brought me this mess, and I hated how I could do nothing against those two. I could bargain, sure, but in the end, I was powerless and I had no way of changing that. Heck, even my own emotions towards Aska didn’t change during the time I was tortured. I still wanted to be by his side to play our mind games with each other, but I didn’t want to be hurt like this.
“Lucinda, can we come in?” I didn’t understand how Mary sneaked up to the door at first until I noticed the bit of sunshine that shone through the curtains. At least, they survived my rampage. Swiftly, I looked around the room, only to shook my head slightly. It was a complete mess. No furniture survived me and the walls were covered in scratch marks by my fingernails. Only the curtains, my pillow and my blanket survived, so it was definitely not I sight I wanted to give Mary. “We are worried about you.”
We? Tom didn’t care at all and was probably more keen on seeing the senseless destruction I caused than anything else. Mary? I knew why she was here and I wasn’t so sure if I wanted to talk to her at all. I growled, quietly and hungrily as I haven´t drunk much blood since two days ago.
“We are coming in now.” At first, Mary pushed against the door and the pile of garbage I made in front of it. She didn’t succeed in opening the door at all and after a short pause, Tom smashed his shoulder against the door. He cursed loudly but caught himself quickly after that. Together, they managed to push the rubble further away and I closed my eyes swiftly, fearing the sunlight that was already intruding into the room rudely. After Tom shut the door behind him again, did I open my eyes again, only to look towards Mary who frowned.
“Are you okay?” She asked. I growled loudly and grabbed the blanket more tightly as she tried to reach out for me. She yanked her hand back, scared about my animalistic reaction.
“Lucinda … the goddess told me something else as well. She asked of me to love you like you were my own daughter for the betterment of this world, but … you are making this incredibly hard.” She knew I slaughtered everyone at the orphanage, no doubt about that.
“Don’t listen to any gods. At best, they use you, at worst, they torture you into all eternity.” I said quietly and looked towards the ground. Mary knelt before me and placed her hands on my knees. I tensed up, and tried to push myself away from her, but there was just the wall behind me.
“Why did you do it?” She asked concerned.
“Because only a bunch of whisked shit comes out of angering a god. And guess who is responsible for angering Aska? Well, it is this shitty goddess who wanted to protect me.” I said quietly while holding my head.
“She wanted to help you.” That may have been true, but if she really wanted to be nice, she would have asked first.
“Yeah, great help. Give a gold coin to a homeless street kid and he is bound to die. That´s the kind of help she gave me. Reading my memories was the only thing that made him certain of what I am up to. And now? Gone! He doesn’t trust a thing I am saying and tortured me a freaking year to get his answers. Aska and I are back to square one with distrust in our unbalanced relationship. Do you even know how hard I worked to get him where he was? Two hundred years of my life! Wasted because of a shitty goddess.” I mumbled quietly.
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“You aren’t making much sense …” When did I ever make sense? When did anything in my life make sense?
“Do I have to make sense? I am crazy, remember? I was just tortured for over a year and I am perfectly fine; tells much about me doesn’t it? I slaughtered them all to save me and a single girl from excruciating pain and I will do it again if necessary. Love me as your own daughter or not, but don’t listen to the gods. You should go now, Tom and I have something to discuss.” Mary frowned, but nonetheless, let go of me in silence. I didn’t know what was going on in her head at this point, especially because I couldn’t bear to look into her eyes, but rather stared at the floor and only glanced upwards from time to time.
What I did, weighted heavily on her shoulders, I knew that much. Maybe she would understand my actions one day, at least that’s what I hoped. Even though she was a noble, she believed that each life was as valuable as the other, while I was the complete opposite. Mary left the room as I didn´t answer her following question, but not without turning around once.
“If you feel better … I need your help.” She left without saying anything further and after a short hiccup with the door, I was left alone with Tom who gazed at me questioningly.
“So, what do you want to discuss?” asked Tom.
I stood up, let the blanket fall to the ground and placed the pillow on the ground carefully. Weakly, I stumbled towards him, drained of all my energy by the three days without blood and the sun outside.
“Have you ever wondered how it feels to get bitten? Kneel.” Reluctantly and also a bit scared, he knelt down in front of me and I freed his neck from clothing.
“Am I going to die?” He asked concerned about his well being. His eyes shimmered with a deep brown and an occasional pink that started to grow with time.
“Hopefully not.” I said and wrapped my arms around his neck. My teeth bit deep into him as I tried to draw as much blood as possible from him without killing him. It was the best food I had in a while as I didn’t taste the blood of the children even once. I savoured every drop of it, tasted the perfect sweetness in my mouth, and noticed how it nearly drove me crazy. The constant hunger I had to live through was my way of dealing with what I did. It was a welcome distraction from all these messy feelings I couldn’t really put into words.
He gasped in pain, but still didn’t struggle. After a few seconds, I let go of him and held my mouth. This was dangerously close as he already looked quite pale, despite smiling like crazy, as he fell forwards and I had to grab his clothing. Gently, I laid him down on the ground, placed my pillow under his head and covered us both under the blanket as I snuggled up to him and listened to his heartbeat.
“Tom, will you follow me even if I go against the gods?”
“You are asking that now? As far as I can understand it, you are already hated by quite a few gods for simply existing.” Well, that was one way to put it …
“Thank you. I will never forget that.” If push comes to shove, I had at least one ally I could count on as I still didn’t understand where Mary stood exactly. I smiled as I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep rather easily for the first time in three days.