The world doesn´t need heroes. Solaris turns around its own axis anyway. The sun will rise and go down again, wars will be fought and peace will be made until it all begins again. And heroes? They would just interrupt the sensible gears of this world without helping anyone, at least that was my belief. I never heard of any hero who went against the broad society and helped a few slaves for example.
In conclusion, heroes were just a sham, made to lift up the spirit of the impoverished and to unite humanity behind a puppet, created by the king. I didn’t know how much truth there was to my assumption, but I really never heard of any hero caring about a bunch of slaves while I just set around a thousand free. Sure, some of them died in the process, but that was an acceptable loss in my opinion.
In that case, what was I? I was definitely not a hero, but I just did a good thing, didn’t I? I helped those that needed help the most, even when they didn´t deserve it in my opinion. Was that evil? Was that good? It was nerve-wracking to think about these questions as I operated, more than once, in a grey area. I did good things, but more out of necessity than anything else. On the other hand, I also refrained from evil deeds as much as possible as I feared my cover would be blown and I would be forced out of society, not that I took much part in it yet.
While I was still thinking deeply about all these issues, the carriage came to a halt and someone knocked on the door. Without further ado, I grabbed my backpack, opened the door and jumped out of the carriage. A twenty-five-year-old officer greeted me outside and politely knelt down in front of me.
“Milady, I am honoured to guide you the way.” I nodded with a smile around my lips but didn’t forget to turn around and salute my guide whose health was in a steady decline. He smiled in return and proceeded to park the carriage somewhere else. He was the best guide I had in my lifetime … which wasn’t that hard considering I only had one so far, but I still judged him as a great human being.
In my white dress, I stepped through the mud of the army camp that was tens of kilometres away from Eastminster. This place must have had some serious rainfall lately because the earth was incredibly muddy. I had to lift up both sides of my dress as I didn’t want to ruin it this early again. Luckily, I wore boots that weren’t exactly white in the first place, although this went by largely unnoticed by the soldiers who looked at me in adoration and also reverence as they never expected the new heir of the duchy to come into a warzone.
But I couldn’t let my citizens go to war without me, could I?
After a few minutes, the officer led me into a large tent where Mary sat at a table, surrounded by other officers who all knelt down as soon as they noticed me.
“I want to have a few words with my daughter alone if you would be so kind.” Nobody voiced their disapproval and thus, Mary and I soon found ourselves alone inside the tent.
“Haven´t I made myself clear enough that you will spend the next few weeks with your father?” I smiled reassuringly as I haven´t heard anyone staying behind but still kept my voice rather low.
“The slaves are free although I had to use a slightly different method.” I said and looked away, not really knowing how to explain it to her.
“And what method?” asked Mary, already expecting the worst.
“A few ghouls …” I muttered.
“I see.” She wasn’t even slightly disappointed. It was as if she already expected such a thing from the very beginning.
“Mum, they were necessary. If you think I like stabbing myself to draw blood from my arm then you are a fool.” I pouted and looked into her calm eyes that glowed with a gentle blue. She wasn’t even slightly fazed by my decision which I found strange, especially considering how idealistic she was.
“… how do you live with it?” She asked out of the blue.
“Live with what?” I asked curiously.
“With the burden of being responsible for so much misery. I already had to order the execution of thirty scouts…” It was clear that her mind had taken a hit by the situation.
“Push it to someone else if you can´t bear it.” I said jokingly which maybe was not the right decision.
“Lucinda …” She said, not really in the mood for jokes.
“Fine …” I sat down on the chair right next to her and held her hands. Our knees touched and I smiled gently. “Think about the misery you stopped with your actions. The scouts would have relayed crucial information the enemy would have used to counter our plan. We cannot let that happen.”
“I know that much.” She said, apparently hoping for a simple solution to her grief.
“I …” I didn’t know what she wanted to hear from me. I could only try the things I read in books, although they wouldn´t hold any meaning coming out of my mouth. “Sometimes we don’t have another choice …” I remembered all these kids I murdered in their sleep. This is what she meant with burden, not the usual murders I committed. “we are no heroes, mum. Unlike them, we will be given a bad and a worse choice over and over again. There is no way to get rid of the burden, you can only get strong enough to bear it.”
How philosophical of me. I could barely stop myself from patting my own shoulders from this masterpiece.
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“Thanks for your input…” She commented, still a bit sad.
“Oh, if you want more motivation, I have a few more of these. Have you taken ‘If there is an obstacle blocking your way, just smash right through it’ by the philosopher Edward John Smith to your heart? Or the alternative ‘If you have an ocean of problems in front of you, fly over it.’ by Amelia Earheart?”
“No … who are those people?” I actually didn’t know who they were. Aska told me a few of their memorable sentences and that was basically it. I also never found them in any book and so, I already assumed they were pretty obscure.
“Philosophers … don’t tell me you never heard of them?”
“No, I didn’t.” What a shame. I did hope she could bring light into the darkness, but apparently, she was as clueless as me where they lived, or even if these people lived in the first place.
“… whatever. Is everything prepared?” I asked swiftly to change the conversation to something I was actually good at because talking about feelings I barely understood myself wasn’t one of my strong points.
“Hmm, the mines are prepared, we left half of our forces behind and the letter is already sent. They should get the news any second now and if they behave exactly like you claimed they would, we basically cannot lose anymore.” She concluded, feeling a bit better now that she had to focus on something. Shortly afterwards, she reached under the table and gave me a flag. I already knew what it was as I asked Mary to order it secretly and thus, I didn’t open it but stuffed it directly into my backpack.
“Brilliant! When do we have to take action?”
“Now.” That surprised me a bit. I assumed it was maybe tomorrow at the earliest. I just arrived here, hoped to cook something great, but apparently, I wasn’t granted this simple wish.
“How bothersome … I need a horse and nine gold coins.”
“For what do you need so much gold?”
“A necessary expenditure.” I smiled reassuringly and stood up, only to walk towards a wooden chest she pointed to. After swiftly taking nine gold coins from the small chest, I stood up again and curtsied in front of my mother. “I will bake a few cookies after this is all over … without any drugs.”
She laughed loudly and genuinely seemed to be somewhat happy for the first time since I became her daughter. Enthuthiastic, but still looking angrily, I stomped out of the tent for everyone to see and was soon guided back towards my carriage who now had a third horse in front of it. She must have already known that I would ask for another horse and so, it didn’t take long for me to board the carriage again and slam the door shut behind me while looking quite angry.
A good fifteen minutes after we departed from the camp, I opened the door again.
“Hey!” I shouted against the wind towards my guide. He stopped the carriage soon afterwards and I stepped out of it, wearing a completely black outfit again, my backpack over my shoulders. He was already undoing the harness of the horse to my surprise.
“Is this a farewell?” He asked after coughing loudly.
“It is. I wish you a good ride …” towards home, and into purgatory. This man didn’t have much life left in him and we both knew that. He smiled without any regret and gave me his hand. I smiled bitterly as he was quite useful so far and I would have liked to work with him again. I naturally took his hand and left the small bag of coins inside them. “Oh, don’t go back to the estate for a few days and may your children be blessed by the gods.”
“They already are …” mumbled he after looking inside the bag, much to my dismay.
“If they ever find themselves in trouble, they can count on me for help. Make sure they know that.” I commented dryly and mounted my new, already saddled horse. It looked at me with crimson eyes, full of untamed wildness. I smiled haughtily and patted his mane which seemed to calm him down somewhat.
“It is great to know that the future of my children is secured by a good person. Thank you for everything, milady.” He said which nearly made me flinch. Being called a good person was quite damaging for my mental health for some reason. Without saying anything further, I saluted on my horse towards a respectable man and rode towards the opposite direction he was heading while orienting myself with the help of a single, bright star.
In the distance, I heard how the carriage moved again as I galloped onwards, towards the deathbed of many, while he would find his end within the arms of his family, happy and without regrets.