TWELFTH of Third Month, 1769. -- Having for some years past dieted myself onaccount of illness and weakness of body, and not having ability to travel byland as heretofore, I was at times favoured to look with awfulness towards theLord, before whom are all my ways, who alone hath the power of life and death,and to feel thankfulness raised in me for this His fatherly chastisement,believing that if I was truly humbled under it all would work for good. Whileunder this bodily weakness, my mind was at times exercised for my fellow-creatures in the West Indies, and I grew jealous over myself lest thedisagreeableness of the prospect should hinder me from obediently attendingthereto; for, though I knew not that the Lord required me to go there, yet Ibelieved that resignation was now called for in that respect. Feeling a dangerof not being wholly devoted to Him, I was frequently engaged to watch untoprayer that I might be preserved; and upwards of a year having passed, as I oneday walked in a solitary wood, my mind being covered with awfulness, cries wereraised in me to my merciful Father, that He would graciously keep me infaithfulness; and it then settled on my mind, as a duty, to open my conditionto Friends at our Monthly Meeting, which I did soon after, as follows: -"An exercise hath attended me for some time past, and of late hath been moreweighty upon me, which is, that I believe it is required of me to be resignedto go on a visit to some parts of the West Indies."In the Quarterly and General Spring Meetings I found no clearness to expressanything further than that I believed resignation herein was required of me.
Having obtained certificates from all the said meetings, I felt like asojourner at my outward habitation, and kept free from worldly encumbrances,and I was often bowed in spirit before the Lord, with inward breathings to Himthat I might be rightly directed. I may here note that the circumstance beforerelated of my having, when young, joined with another executor in selling anegro lad till he might attain the age of thirty years, was now the cause ofmuch sorrow to me; and, after having settled matters relating to this youth, Iprovided a sea-store and bed, and things for the voyage. Hearing of a vessellikely to sail from Philadelphia for Barbadoes, I spake with one of the ownersat Burlington, and soon after went to Philadelphia on purpose to speak to himagain. He told me there was a Friend in town who was part owner of the saidvessel. I felt no inclination to speak with the latter, but returned home.
Awhile after I took leave of my family, and, going to Philadelphia, had someweighty conversation with the first-mentioned owner, and showed him a writing,as follows: -"On the 25th of Eleventh Month, 1769, as an exercise with respect to a visitto Barbadoes hath been weighty on my mind, I may express some of the trials which have attended me, under which I have at times rejoiced that I have feltmy own self-will subjected.
"Some years ago I retailed rum, sugar, and molasses, the fruits of the labourof slaves, but had not then much concern about them save only that the rummight be used in moderation; nor was this concern so weightily attended to as Inow believe it ought to have been. Having of late years been further informedrespecting the oppression too generally exercised in these islands, andthinking often on the dangers there are in connections of interest andfellowship with the works of darkness (Eph. v. 11), I have felt an increasingconcern to be wholly given up to the leadings of the Holy Spirit, and it hathseemed right that my small gain from this branch of trade should be applied inpromoting righteousness on the earth. This was the first motion towards a visitto Barbadoes. I believed also that part of my outward substance should beapplied in paying my passage, if I went, and providing things in a lowly wayfor my subsistence; but when the time drew near in which I believed it requiredof me to be in readiness, a difficulty arose which hath been a continual trialfor some months past, under which I have, with abasement of mind from day today, sought the Lord for instruction, having often had a feeling of thecondition of one formerly, who bewailed himself because the Lord hid His facefrom him. During these exercises my heart hath often been contrite, and I havehad a tender feeling of the temptations of my fellow-creatures, labouring underexpensive customs not agreeable to the simplicity that 'there is in Christ' (2Cor. ii. 3), and sometimes in the renewings of gospel love I have been helpedto minister to others.
"That which hath so closely engaged my mind, in seeking to the Lord forinstruction, is, whether, after the full information I have had of theoppression which the slaves lie under who raise the West India produce, which Ihave gained by reading a caution and warning to Great Britain and her colonies,written by Anthony Benezet, it is right for me to take passage in a vesselemployed in the West India trade.
"To trade freely with oppressors without labouring to dissuade them from suchunkind treatment, and to seek for gain by such traffic, tends, I believe, tomake them more easy respecting their conduct than they would be, if the causeof universal righteousness was humbly and firmly attended to by those ingeneral with whom they have commerce; and that complaint of the Lord by hisprophet, "They have strengthened the hands of the wicked," hath very oftenrevived in my mind. I may here add some circumstances which occurred to mebefore I had any prospect of a visit there. David longed for some water in awell beyond an army of Philistines who were at war with Israel, and some of his men, to please him, ventured their lives in passing through this army, andbrought that water.
"It doth not appear that the Israelites were then scarce of water, but ratherthat David gave way to delicacy of taste; and having reflected on the danger towhich these men had been exposed, he considered this water as their blood, andhis heart smote him that he could not drink it, but he poured it out to theLord. The oppression of the slaves which I have seen in several journeyssouthward on this continent, and the report of their treatment in the WestIndies, have deeply affected me, and a care to live in the spirit of peace andminister no just cause of offence to my fellow-creatures having from time totime livingly revived in my mind, I have for some years past declined togratify my palate with those sugars.
"I do not censure my brethren in these things, but I believe the Father ofMercies, to whom all mankind by creation are equally related, hath heard thegroans of this oppressed people, and that He is preparing some to have a tenderfeeling of their condition. Trading in, or the frequent use of any produceknown to be raised by the labour of those who are under such lamentableoppression, hath appeared to be a subject which may hereafter require the moreserious consideration of the humble followers of Christ, the Prince of Peace.
"After long and mournful exercise I am now free to mention how things haveopened in my mind, with desires that, if it may please the Lord further to openHis will to any of His children in this matter, they may faithfully follow Himin such further manifestation.
"The number of those who decline the use of West India produce, on account ofthe hard usage of the slaves who raise it, appears small, even among peopletruly pious; and the labours in Christian love on that subject of those who do,are not very extensive. Were the trade from this continent to the West Indiesto be stopped at once, I believe many there would suffer for want of bread. Didwe on this continent and the inhabitants of the West Indies generally dwell inpure righteousness, I believe a small trade between us might be right. Underthese considerations, when the thoughts of wholly declining the use of trading-vessels and of trying to hire a vessel to go under ballast have arisen in mymind, I have believed that the labours in gospel love hitherto bestowed in thecause of universal righteousness have not reached that height. If the trade tothe West Indies were no more than was consistent with pure wisdom, I believethe passage-money would, for good reasons, be higher than it is now; andtherefore, under deep exercise of mind, I have believed that I should not takeadvantage of this great trade and small passage-money, but, as a testimony in favour of less trading, should pay more than is common for others to pay if Igo at this time."The first-mentioned owner, having read the paper, went with me to the otherowner, who also read over the paper, and we had some solid conversation, underwhich I felt my self bowed in reverence before the Most High. At length one ofthem asked me if I would go and see the vessel. But not having clearness in mymind to go, I went to my lodging and retired in private under great exercise ofmind; and my tears were poured out before the Lord with inward cries that Hewould graciously help me under these trials. I believe my mind was resigned,but I did not feel clearness to proceed; and my own weakness and the necessityof divine instruction were impressed upon me.
I was for a time as one who knew not what to do, and was tossed as in atempest; under which affliction the doctrine of Christ, "Take no thought forthe morrow," arose livingly before me, and I was favoured to get into a gooddegree of stillness. Having been near two days in town, I believed my obedienceto my Heavenly Father consisted in returning homeward; I therefore went overamong Friends on the Jersey shore and tarried till the morning on which thevessel was appointed to sail. As I lay in bed the latter part of that night mymind was comforted, and I felt what I esteemed a fresh confirmation that it wasthe Lord's will that I should pass through some further exercises near home; soI went thither, and still felt like a sojourner with my family. In the freshspring of pure love, I had some labours in a private way among Friends on asubject relating to truth's testimony, under which I had frequently beenexercised in heart for some years. I remember, as I walked on the road underthis exercise, that passage in Ezekiel came fresh upon me, "Whithersoever theirfaces were turned, thither they went." And I was graciously helped to dischargemy duty in the fear and dread of the Almighty.
In the course of a few weeks it pleased the Lord to visit me with a pleurisy;and after I had lain a few days and felt the disorder very grievous, I wasthoughtful how might it end. I had of late, through various exercises, beenmuch weaned from the pleasant things of this life; and I now thought, if itwere the Lord's will to put an end to my labours and graciously to receive meinto the arms of His mercy, death would be acceptable to me; but if it were Hiswill further to refine me under affliction, and to make me in any degree usefulin His Church, I desired not to die. I may with thankfulness say that in thiscase, I felt resignedness wrought in me, and had no inclination to send for adoctor, believing, if it were the Lord's will through outward means to raise meup, some sympathizing Friends would be sent to minister to me; whichaccordingly was the case. But though I was carefully attended, yet the disorderwas at times so heavy that I had no expectation of recovery. One night in particular my bodily distress was great; my feet grew cold, and the coldincreased up my legs towards my body; at that time I had no inclination to askmy nurse to apply anything warm to my feet, expecting my end was near. After Ihad lain near ten hours in this condition, I closed my eyes, thinking whether Imight now be delivered out of the body; but in these awful moments my mind waslivingly opened to behold the Church; and strong engagements were begotten inme for the everlasting well-being of my fellow-creatures. I felt in the springof pure love that I might remain some time longer in the body, to fill upaccording to my measure that which remains of the afflictions of Christ, and tolabour for the good of the Church; after which I requested my nurse to applywarmth to my feet and I revived. The next night, feeling a weighty exercise ofspirit and having a solid Friend sitting up with me, I requested him to writewhat I said, which he did as follows: -Fourth day of the First Month, 1770, about five in the morning. -- "I haveseen in the Light of the Lord that the day is approaching when the man that ismost wise in human policy shall be the greatest fool; and the arm that ismighty to support injustice shall be broken to pieces; the enemies ofrighteousness shall make a terrible rattle, and shall mightily torment oneanother; for He that is omnipotent is rising up to judgment, and will plead thecause of the oppressed; and He commanded me to open the vision."Near a week after this, feeling my mind livingly opened, I sent for aneighbour, who, at my request, wrote as follows: -"The place of prayer is a precious habitation; for I now saw that the prayersof the saints were precious incense; and a trumpet was given to me that I mightsound forth this language; that the children might hear it and be invitedtogether to this precious habitation, where the prayers of the saints, as sweetincense, arise before the throne of God and the Lamb. I saw this habitation tobe safe, -- to be inwardly quiet when there were great stirrings and commotionsin the world.
"Prayer, at this day, in pure resignation, is a precious place: the trumpetis sounded; the call goes forth to the Church that she gather to the place ofpure inward prayer; and her habitation is safe."