Stacy came back from the hospital the next day, somewhere around 11 A.M. I had crawled onto the porch roof outside my bedroom window, and saw when she pulled up, but I didn't make a move to go down and talk to her. The news, whatever it was, would come and find me, I was sure. In the meantime, I stared out at the neighborhood where I had grown up, feeling disconnected from this place that had been a part of me as far back as I could remember. I remembered riding bikes into town with Peach and Millie and Stacy, remembered getting our prom pictures taken out front by my tree. It all seemed so far away from me, as if it had happened to someone else. I was just the observer, the one who came in to finish the story off. The rest of it had belonged to someone else, and somewhere, that Liv was still completely herself, serving waffles at a whole CCB's, living a mundane but reasonable life.
I wasn't that girl. I was the girl who, when she closed her eyes, could only see and feel fire. The roiling flames of the explosion, the oppressive, sickening heat of it as I was crumpled up, helpless on the floor. The hellish glow flashing over Betty's face before the explosion tossed her into the street. The dancing shadows on Millie's face as she made me realize what I should have known all along.
I was going to lose.
"Liv?"
I opened my eyes, but I didn't turn around. A few seconds later, Tobias was crawling out onto the roof through my bedroom window. Somehow, despite his size, he gracefully managed to settle down next to me.
"Stacy's here," he said.
I nodded, keeping my eyes on the neighborhood. "How's Betty?"
"The swelling in her brain seems to have gone down, and the doctors are really hopeful, but ... she hasn't woken up yet."
"And Millie?"
He sighed. "Left the hospital this morning. No one knows where she went. She's not answering her cell phone."
I nodded. It didn't matter where Millie was, really. It would be over before she had a chance to do any more damage. I took a deep breath, and raised my eyes to meet his. I was still the Liv who loved Tobias; no matter how disconnected I felt from everything else, I hadn't lost that.
I found that interesting.
"People are starting to worry," he said. "Cain asked about you, and when Cain notices a person's emotional state, I think it's pretty bad."
I smiled at him. "I'm okay."
"You don't look okay."
I held his gaze for a bit, then motioned back toward the room. I crawled inside and he followed me. I waited while he came in through the window, and then I placed the flat of my hands against his chest and looked up into his eyes.
At first, he seemed wary, but then the pull between us got the better of him, and he let his arms find their place around my waist. I moved closer to him, my hands traveling down his chest, around to his hips, and he had a sudden, sharp intake of breath that was so simple, raw, and real that it made me smile. It was all simple, really, and we'd spent so much time making it so much more complex than it ever needed to be.
I leaned into him, pushing up on my tiptoes to place a gentle kiss at the base of his jaw. He moaned and his hold on me tightened; I could feel him hard against me, and the sensation was accompanied by a rush of raw desire that would have knocked me over had he not been holding me up.
"I need you inside of me," I whispered. "Right now."
He groaned and took my mouth with his, hard, punishing kisses that spoke to the breaking of restraints we'd both held in place for far too long. Clothes peeled off easily as our need to touch and feel overwhelmed us, and when we fell back onto my bed, there was nothing in the world but the two of us, the one of him. His lips set off explosions under my skin, and I writhed under his touch as he tasted every part of me until my hands gripped his hair as his tongue made me forget everything but the feel of him. I closed my eyes and let it take me. I wasn't worried about anything, not the past, not the future, just this moment now when he was making explosions of color dance behind my eyelids as I moved beneath him. Moments later, we rolled together and he was underneath me and I was taking him inside of me, watching his face as I moved rhythmically, loving what I did to him, the power I had in that moment. He was mine, to do with as I pleased, and this was what I pleased, to see him helpless beneath me as I loved him with everything I had, until there was nothing left of me. Nothing to hold back, nothing to save for later, nothing to do but collapse upon him, my ear to his chest as we both gasped for air. His arms tightened around me and he kissed the top of my head, and I listened as his heartbeat drummed out the chant. Mine-mine, mine-mine ...
Mine.
We shifted to lie side by side and fell into an exhausted sleep, the peaceful darkness of his naked embrace keeping me from having to deal with my pressing reality until about a half-hour later, when I opened my eyes to find him propped up on one elbow, watching me.
"Don't say it," I said.
"What?" He reached for my hand and kissed my fingertips.
"I can see the gears working in your brain." I snuggled up next to him, nuzzling his bare chest with my nose, loving the solid, manly scent of him, wanting to remember it forever, however long that was. "If you start thinking, we'll lose this, and I'm not ready for that."
He held me to him, running his fingers down my side, kissing my forehead, my face, my shoulder. I could feel him hardening next to me, but when I reached for him, he took my hand in his and pulled it to his chest.
"Stop," he said, his voice coarse and breathy. "I can't think when you do that."
"No thinking," I said. "Please. Not yet."
He opened his eyes and focused on me, and despite my pleas, I could see the pieces coming together for him, the worry creeping in.
"What's your plan?" he asked, and I sighed and pulled back from him. Quietly, I gathered our clothes from the floor, passing his to him. Once we were both dressed, I sat on the edge of the bed and said, "You should go now."
"Wow." He let out a sharp laugh, but there was nothing happy in his tone. "Give me a minute to process the whiplash."
"You know how I feel about you," I said softly. "You know that was all real. It's just that now ... it's over. And you should go."
He got up off the bed and stood before me. "Yeah? Why?"
I looked at him, then pushed up off the bed and stepped away from him; the closer I was to him, the more it hurt, and I'd made up my mind. There was no point in making it any harder than it already was.
"You know why," I said.
"I want to hear it from you."
"It's my decision, Tobias. My life, my call. It's over."
He crossed the room to stand next to me, his hand gripping my arm. "No."
I pulled out of his grip and felt the first pang of fear and regret since I'd made the decision. "Stop it. You're only making this harder."
"Goddamn right," he said. "You're not committing suicide by Davina. We can still win this."
I laughed outright at that. "No, we can't. I'm done. Betty almost died last night, so did Millie, and why? Because I thought I could take her on. I can't."
"They got hurt because they're part of this fight, because they chose to be. People get hurt, you can't prevent that. But if you go and give yourself to Davina now, then you make it all meaningless."
"And if I don't? People die. We got lucky last night. No one died." Yet, a black voice whispered in my head. "But if I keep up this ridiculous fight, they will. And who's next? Stacy? Cain? You?" I shook my head, my entire body recoiling at the thought. "No. I have the power to stop all this, and I'm doing what needs to be done. As soon as the sun sets, I'm going to her."
He gripped my shoulders and pulled me to him. "No."
"Go, Tobias."
"No."
"I can't do this if you're here."
"Good."
"Tobias ... please." I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and I could see the response to my pain in his face, and suddenly, I knew.
"You love me," I said, my voice quiet with wonder.
He put his hands on my face. "Yes."
"I love you, too."
"Then stop talking like this," he said. "Let's think of something else."
I angled my head, kissed the inside of his palm, and pulled his hands into my own. "There is nothing else. I have to do this, and I need you to go." I reached up and touched his face, the sandpaper scruff tickling my palm. I breathed in the earthy scent of him, and remembered the taste of his skin. For the first time in my life, I understood why my mother had been the way she had been. I didn't need to imagine what it felt like to leave someone you loved and who loved you back. At least I wouldn't have to live with it for too long, the way she did.
Tobias, however, would. But there was nothing I could do about that.
"I'm asking you to go," I said. "I'm asking you, please. For me."
He didn't say anything, just kept his eyes on mine. I leaned into him, kissing him lightly on the lips, and he pulled me tighter against him. We stood together like that for a long time, and then, without a sound, he was gone, and I was alone in my room. At first, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me, and it was too painful to even cry.
And then, slowly, all feeling receded, and I was back to the mild numbness I would need to hold onto if I was going to get through this. I exhaled a long, low breath, and turned to go toward my porch roof again.
I was halfway through the window when I noticed something flat, square, and a little charred at the edges laying on the edge of my desk. I reached for it, and it took me a moment to realize what it was.
The magic square.
I leaned against the desk, angling it in my hands to play with the sunlight streaming through my window. Tobias must have gone and gotten it for me while I'd been sleeping this morning. Of course, he would know the one thing that would mean more to me than anything else in that place; my magic square, my beautiful illusion.
I crawled out of the window and settled on the porch, then held it in my hands, allowing the energy to build up. I concentrated it, letting it flow into the square, which began to curl in on itself, the sparkly part forming the outside of the blue bird. By the time it was done, it looked and moved like an actual bluebird, its glittery wings flapping in the air as it flew in little loopy circles by my head. I laughed - a hollow, pained laugh, but still a laugh - as I noticed it sending little shards of light onto my skin like a disco ball.
And that's when it hit me, the spark of an idea. I dismissed it at first, but as I watched the glittery blue bird, other elements fell into place in my head, and I could see it, the beginnings of a plan forming as I watched the bird dance away from me, only to come back and sprinkle its captured sunshine on me.
I ran my hand over my face and took a deep breath. Somewhere in that cavern inside hid an emotion I needed to access. All I had to do was find it. I closed my eyes and breathed in, searching myself for it, ducking into dark corridors and running through long hallways of whistling cold.
And then, finally, there it was.
Hope.
I opened my eyes and smiled, then held out my index finger. The sparkly blue bird landed on it easily, and I cupped it between my hands, looking it in the eyes as I spoke.
"I wish that this plan will work," I whispered to it. The bird cocked its head to the side, and then, seemed to nod.
I took that as a sign.
"So," I said to Cain and Stacy as we sat at my kitchen table. "What do you think?"
I'd spent the last hour laying out the plan to them, refining certain points with Cain while Stacy pointed out holes in the logic that needed closing up. Tobias was gone, but I was trying to focus on the plan; if it worked, I could try to make it up to Tobias later, and if it didn't ...
Well. If it didn't, it wouldn't matter.
Cain sat back in his chair, released a sigh, and gave a brief nod. "Worth a try."
I looked at Stacy. "What do you think?"
"I think you're crazy," she said. "But it's better than sitting around here waiting to get magically buggered."
I laughed. "Okay. Well, I need to head to Peach's. Stacy, can you make the phone calls?"
Her expression dulled. "Really? Can't I be in charge of the potions or something?"
Cain gave her a dull look, then turned and headed to his mini-lab in my basement.
Stacy looked at me. "You really don't think that whole angry, distant, and disinterested thing is hot?"
I took a moment to think about it, then slowly shook my head.
"Whew," she said, heading toward the kitchen door. "We live through this, I'm getting a therapist."
By the time everyone had gotten there, it was midafternoon. Cain had been working in the basement for hours, the result being an uninspiring line of various plastic cups filled with what we really, really hoped was the right concoction set up on the coffee table as everyone settled around.
"Thanks for coming, everyone," I said, looking around my living room at the group. Grace Higgins-Hooper and Addie Hooper-Higgins were sitting on my floral love seat, holding hands and smiling casually. Stacy sat on the leather easy chair, her arms crossed over her stomach. Peach and Nick took opposite ends of the couch. Nick hadn't left Peach's side since the incident with the walnuts. It was evident from Peach's body language - posture straight as she sat as far away from him as the shared space would allow - that she hadn't entirely forgiven him, but that didn't seem to bother him in the least. Nick Easter had never been the kind of guy who gave up, and this situation seemed to be no exception. Cain stood with his back against the wall in the corner, watching in his typical stark, detached silence.
"This is all going to sound a little crazy," I began, "so please just bear with me." I took a deep breath. "I've got magical powers."
Addie didn't blink. Grace allowed a skeptical, "Hmmm," and Peach said, "What do you mean, like ... card tricks?"
I almost laughed, then looked to the two plastic bins full of cranes that I'd been working on all day: showtime. I concentrated on them for a moment, and the bin started to shake a bit, and then, like a bunch of released doves, the two hundred or so cranes I'd worked with that afternoon began to fly in a circle around us. As they flew around, I felt their power - my power - flowing around me, through me, into the air. It was like I was no longer contained in just my body, I flowed outward. I communed with the world and everything in it. I couldn't help smiling; I controlled them so easily, the power thrumming in my veins, my own unknown second nature. For the first time since all of this started, I had a feeling of what I really was, and it was glorious.
Slowly, I commanded the cranes all back into the bins, and then pulled their magic back into me. I took in the rush of it, allowed the magic to resettle in me, and then looked around at the group.
"I know it's a lot to absorb," I said, "and I want you to know that what I'm about to ask you, you don't have to say yes. It's a big deal."
"Get to the good stuff, babe," Stacy said, leaning back with one arm resting on the arm of the easy chair.
And so ... I got to the good stuff. I explained, as simply as I could, what was going on with Davina, what had been happening in the town, and what we were up against. I included a brief explanation of what happened with Millie, and about the mind-control effect. Nick lowered his eyes as I went through that part, and Peach glanced at him, then away. I didn't have time to try to convince either of them now, but at least, if something happened to me later, I had planted the seed.
"So, this Davina," Grace said. "She really wants to kill you?"
"Yeah," I said. "She really does. But I think, with your help, we can do this. What I need are..." I looked back at Cain, who gave a short nod: keep going. I turned back to them. "What I need are conduits."
I stood there for a long moment, waiting for the questions to come. What are conduits, how does it work, why should I do this for you, et cetera, to be followed by the immediate exodus of the lot of them.
"You got it," Addie said. "What do we do?"
"Well," I said, a little caught off guard, "let me explain first. This is a big deal. It basically involves giving over your free will to me for a while, and - "
Grace leaned forward. "Is that what the cups are for?" She lifted one and sniffed it. "Smells like Dr Pepper."
"Well, Cain has tried to make it as palatable as possible, but before you drink any - "
Grace downed the contents of her cup. "Oh, yum."
"Grace!" I said. "Wait, I need to explain - "
Addie grabbed hers and took a sip, then gave a little shudder. "Oooh. It's got a bit of a kick there."
"Guys, wait you have to let me tell you what this is going to do to you."
Stacy grabbed her cup and threw it back like a shot of vodka. "The trick is, open your throat and just pour."
I started to feel a little dizzy; the power coming from them already was making my limbs tingle. I had known that Stacy was in, and I'd planned on working with just her if necessary. I hadn't thought I'd have more than two at the most, but as they all reached for the cups and downed them, I found myself reeling with the heady effects of it.
"Okay, wait!" I said, putting my hand on my forehead as I tried to remember all the stuff I'd intended to tell them before they made their decision. "It's a small dose, gonna last twenty-four, maybe forty-eight hours. It also ... it could hurt a little, although we're not sure because this is a new thing for us. You might lose time, not remember everything. And ... shit. Guys, hold on a minute."
"Calm down, sweetheart," Addie said. "I went to college in the sixties. You think this scares me?" She looked at Stacy. "Open the throat, you say?"
Stacy nodded, and Addie threw the rest of her drink back, slamming her cup on the table and belching afterward.
I blinked hard, trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. Finally, when I could speak again, I could only say, "Thank you."
Grace winked at me, then looked at her hands. "I'm feeling a little tingly. Is that right?"
I glanced back at Cain, and he moved forward. "Yeah, that's about right. Now you guys need to spread out. Go home, and come back here at sunset. If you're too close, y'all are going to exhaust Liv and we won't be able to get this off the ground."
Grace and Addie filed out, murmuring to themselves about the power they were feeling flowing through them.
"Hey," Nick said, rummaging through the empty cups. "Where's mine?"
"Oh." I shook my head, working to keep my equilibrium with all the heightened power running through me. Even with just Stacy and Peach in the room, I was starting to feel a little lightheaded. "No, Nick, it's okay. You don't have to. I've got enough."
He shook his head and stood up. "If Peach is part of this, I'm a part of it."
"I got a little more downstairs," Cain said. He walked up to me, touched my arm, and said, "How you feeling?"
"I'm okay," I said.
He nodded, then led Nick downstairs. I sat on the couch next to Peach and took her hand in mine.
"I need something from you, too. You know all those solar walkway lights you were telling me about? I need you and Nick to open them up, and set them out in the sun. You can stake them in my backyard if you want. I'll pay for them."
"Don't worry about it." She smiled at me. "It's Nick's treat."
A wave of dizziness hit me, and I had trouble focusing on her; I could see the power shimmering around her, like heat coming off asphalt on a hot day.
"Oh, honey," she said, "you're looking really flushed. You need me to go now?"
I took in a breath, then nodded. My arms and legs were beginning to vibrate with the power and Cain had been right; it was exhausting. Peach squeezed my hand, then quietly got up and left. I looked at Stacy and smiled.
"Are you ready?"
Stacy nodded. "Always."
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to concentrate. I felt strings of power connecting me to her, and soon, she was walking in a circle around the room, just the way I commanded. Slowly, I released my grip on her, and she stumbled a bit but regained her footing before she fell.
"Sorry," I said. "I've never done this before."
When no quippy retort came, I got up from the couch and walked over to her, taking her arm.
"You okay?"
Slowly she nodded, and then patted my hand. "He'll come back. Don't worry."
"What...?" I began, but then let it go; there was no point in pretending that I wasn't aching from Tobias's absence.
Stacy managed a shaky grin, then said, "Remind me to play poker with you once we're done with all this. I need a new TV."
"Right." I sighed heavily again, trying to shoot that emotion away from me. I had five hours to learn how to get all this under control, and Tobias was too much of a distraction.
"Okay," I said. "You ready to try again?"
Stacy looked at me, the tiniest glint of fear in her eyes, but then she squelched it and the badass was back.
"Rock it, puppet master," she said.