The duke had a majordomo of a very facetious and sportive turn, and he it was that played the part of Merlin, made all the arrangements for the late adventure, composed the verses, and got a page to represent Dulcinea; and now, with the assistance of his master and mistress, he got up another of the drollest and strangest contrivances that can be imagined.
The duchess asked Sancho the next day if he had made a beginning with his penance task which he had to perform for the disenchantment of Dulcinea. He said he had, and had given himself five lashes overnight.
The duchess asked him what he had given them with.
He said with his hand.
“That,” said the duchess, “is more like giving oneself slaps than lashes; I am sure the sage Merlin will not be satisfied with such tenderness; worthy Sancho must make a scourge with claws, or a cat-o’-nine tails, that will make itself felt; for it’s with blood that letters enter, and the release of so great a lady as Dulcinea will not be granted so cheaply, or at such a paltry price; and remember, Sancho, that works of charity done in a lukewarm and half-hearted way are without merit and of no avail.”
To which Sancho replied, “If your ladyship will give me a proper scourge or cord, I’ll lay on with it, provided it does not hurt too much; for you must know, boor as I am, my flesh is more cotton than hemp, and it won’t do for me to destroy myself for the good of anybody else.”
“So be it by all means,” said the duchess; “tomorrow I’ll give you a scourge that will be just the thing for you, and will accommodate itself to the tenderness of your flesh, as if it was its own sister.”
Then said Sancho, “Your highness must know, dear lady of my soul, that I have a letter written to my wife, Teresa Panza, giving her an account of all that has happened me since I left her; I have it here in my bosom, and there’s nothing wanting but to put the address to it; I’d be glad if your discretion would read it, for I think it runs in the governor style; I mean the way governors ought to write.”
“And who dictated it?” asked the duchess.
“Who should have dictated but myself, sinner as I am?” said Sancho.
“And did you write it yourself?” said the duchess.
“That I didn’t,” said Sancho; “for I can neither read nor write, though I can sign my name.”
“Let us see it,” said the duchess, “for never fear but you display in it the quality and quantity of your wit.”
Sancho drew out an open letter from his bosom, and the duchess, taking it, found it ran in this fashion:
SANCHO Panza’S LETTER TO HIS WIFE, TERESA PANZA
If I was well whipped I went mounted like a gentleman; if I have got a good government it is at the cost of a good whipping. Thou wilt not understand this just now, my Teresa; by-and-by thou wilt know what it means. I may tell thee, Teresa, I mean thee to go in a coach, for that is a matter of importance, because every other way of going is going on all-fours. Thou art a governor’s wife; take care that nobody speaks evil of thee behind thy back. I send thee here a green hunting suit that my lady the duchess gave me; alter it so as to make a petticoat and bodice for our daughter. Don Quixote, my master, if I am to believe what I hear in these parts, is a madman of some sense, and a droll blockhead, and I am no way behind him. We have been in the cave of Montesinos, and the sage Merlin has laid hold of me for the disenchantment of Dulcinea del Toboso, her that is called Aldonza Lorenzo over there. With three thousand three hundred lashes, less five, that I’m to give myself, she will be left as entirely disenchanted as the mother that bore her. Say nothing of this to anyone; for, make thy affairs public, and some will say they are white and others will say they are black. I shall leave this in a few days for my government, to which I am going with a mighty great desire to make money, for they tell me all new governors set out with the same desire; I will feel the pulse of it and will let thee know if thou art to come and live with me or not. Dapple is well and sends many remembrances to thee; I am not going to leave him behind though they took me away to be Grand Turk. My lady the duchess kisses thy hands a thousand times; do thou make a return with two thousand, for as my master says, nothing costs less or is cheaper than civility. God has not been pleased to provide another valise for me with another hundred crowns, like the one the other day; but never mind, my Teresa, the bell-ringer is in safe quarters, and all will come out in the scouring of the government; only it troubles me greatly what they tell me — that once I have tasted it I will eat my hands off after it; and if that is so it will not come very cheap to me; though to be sure the maimed have a benefice of their own in the alms they beg for; so that one way or another thou wilt be rich and in luck. God give it to thee as he can, and keep me to serve thee. From this castle, the 20th of July, 1614.
Thy husband, the governor.
SANCHO Panza
When she had done reading the letter the duchess said to Sancho, “On two points the worthy governor goes rather astray; one is in saying or hinting that this government has been bestowed upon him for the lashes that he is to give himself, when he knows (and he cannot deny it) that when my lord the duke promised it to him nobody ever dreamt of such a thing as lashes; the other is that he shows himself here to he very covetous; and I would not have him a money-seeker, for ‘covetousness bursts the bag,’ and the covetous governor does ungoverned justice.”
“I don’t mean it that way, senora,” said Sancho; “and if you think the letter doesn’t run as it ought to do, it’s only to tear it up and make another; and maybe it will be a worse one if it is left to my gumption.”
“No, no,” said the duchess, “this one will do, and I wish the duke to see it.”
With this they betook themselves to a garden where they were to dine, and the duchess showed Sancho’s letter to the duke, who was highly delighted with it. They dined, and after the cloth had been removed and they had amused themselves for a while with Sancho’s rich conversation, the melancholy sound of a fife and harsh discordant drum made itself heard. All seemed somewhat put out by this dull, confused, martial harmony, especially Don Quixote, who could not keep his seat from pure disquietude; as to Sancho, it is needless to say that fear drove him to his usual refuge, the side or the skirts of the duchess; and indeed and in truth the sound they heard was a most doleful and melancholy one. While they were still in uncertainty they saw advancing towards them through the garden two men clad in mourning robes so long and flowing that they trailed upon the ground. As they marched they beat two great drums which were likewise draped in black, and beside them came the fife player, black and sombre like the others. Following these came a personage of gigantic stature enveloped rather than clad in a gown of the deepest black, the skirt of which was of prodigious dimensions. Over the gown, girdling or crossing his figure, he had a broad baldric which was also black, and from which hung a huge scimitar with a black scabbard and furniture. He had his face covered with a transparent black veil, through which might be descried a very long beard as white as snow. He came on keeping step to the sound of the drums with great gravity and dignity; and, in short, his stature, his gait, the sombreness of his appearance and his following might well have struck with astonishment, as they did, all who beheld him without knowing who he was. With this measured pace and in this guise he advanced to kneel before the duke, who, with the others, awaited him standing. The duke, however, would not on any account allow him to speak until he had risen. The prodigious scarecrow obeyed, and standing up, removed the veil from his face and disclosed the most enormous, the longest, the whitest and the thickest beard that human eyes had ever beheld until that moment, and then fetching up a grave, sonorous voice from the depths of his broad, capacious chest, and fixing his eyes on the duke, he said:
“Most high and mighty senor, my name is Trifaldin of the White Beard; I am squire to the Countess Trifaldi, otherwise called the Distressed Duenna, on whose behalf I bear a message to your highness, which is that your magnificence will be pleased to grant her leave and permission to come and tell you her trouble, which is one of the strangest and most wonderful that the mind most familiar with trouble in the world could have imagined; but first she desires to know if the valiant and never vanquished knight, Don Quixote of La Mancha, is in this your castle, for she has come in quest of him on foot and without breaking her fast from the kingdom of Kandy to your realms here; a thing which may and ought to be regarded as a miracle or set down to enchantment; she is even now at the gate of this fortress or plaisance, and only waits for your permission to enter. I have spoken.” And with that he coughed, and stroked down his beard with both his hands, and stood very tranquilly waiting for the response of the duke, which was to this effect: “Many days ago, worthy squire Trifaldin of the White Beard, we heard of the misfortune of my lady the Countess Trifaldi, whom the enchanters have caused to be called the Distressed Duenna. Bid her enter, O stupendous squire, and tell her that the valiant knight Don Quixote of La Mancha is here, and from his generous disposition she may safely promise herself every protection and assistance; and you may tell her, too, that if my aid be necessary it will not be withheld, for I am bound to give it to her by my quality of knight, which involves the protection of women of all sorts, especially widowed, wronged, and distressed dames, such as her ladyship seems to be.”
On hearing this Trifaldin bent the knee to the ground, and making a sign to the fifer and drummers to strike up, he turned and marched out of the garden to the same notes and at the same pace as when he entered, leaving them all amazed at his bearing and solemnity. Turning to Don Quixote, the duke said, “After all, renowned knight, the mists of malice and ignorance are unable to hide or obscure the light of valour and virtue. I say so, because your excellence has been barely six days in this castle, and already the unhappy and the afflicted come in quest of you from lands far distant and remote, and not in coaches or on dromedaries, but on foot and fasting, confident that in that mighty arm they will find a cure for their sorrows and troubles; thanks to your great achievements, which are circulated all over the known earth.”
“I wish, senor duke,” replied Don Quixote, “that blessed ecclesiastic, who at table the other day showed such ill-will and bitter spite against knights-errant, were here now to see with his own eyes whether knights of the sort are needed in the world; he would at any rate learn by experience that those suffering any extraordinary affliction or sorrow, in extreme cases and unusual misfortunes do not go to look for a remedy to the houses of jurists or village sacristans, or to the knight who has never attempted to pass the bounds of his own town, or to the indolent courtier who only seeks for news to repeat and talk of, instead of striving to do deeds and exploits for others to relate and record. Relief in distress, help in need, protection for damsels, consolation for widows, are to be found in no sort of persons better than in knights-errant; and I give unceasing thanks to heaven that I am one, and regard any misfortune or suffering that may befall me in the pursuit of so honourable a calling as endured to good purpose. Let this duenna come and ask what she will, for I will effect her relief by the might of my arm and the dauntless resolution of my bold heart.”
咄咄怪事，以及桑乔写给他老婆的信
公爵有个管家很爱开玩笑，也很会开玩笑。是他扮演了梅尔林，策划了刚才那场闹剧，编了那首诗，并且指使一个侍童串演了杜尔西内亚。最后，管家又与男女主人一起精心策划了另一场更加滑稽的闹剧。
公爵夫人第二天问桑乔，他是否已经开始为解救杜尔西内亚而鞭打自己。桑乔说已经开始了，前一天晚上打了五下。
公爵夫人问他是用什么打的，桑乔回答说是用手。
“这算拍，不叫鞭打。”公爵夫人说，“你打得这么轻，我估计梅尔林魔法师不会满意。好桑乔得做一条带三角钉的粗鞭子，那样抽打自己才会感觉到疼。‘若要学好，功夫得到家’，低廉的代价换不来像杜尔西内亚这样尊贵的夫人的自由。桑乔，你应该知道，随随便便敷衍的慈善行为算不上功德，也没有任何价值。”
桑乔回答说：
“夫人，请您给我一条不太粗的鞭子或绳子吧。我就用它抽打，而且不能把自己打得太疼。我应该告诉您，虽然我是个粗人，可我的肉更像棉花，而不像针茅。我没有必要去为了别人的好处而遭受皮肉之苦。”
“好吧，”公爵夫人说，“明天我给你一条适合你的皮肉的鞭子，让你不会有任何疼痛。”
桑乔说：
“尊贵的夫人，我给我老婆特雷莎·潘萨写了一封信，把我同她分手以后的事都告诉了她。信就在我怀里，现在只欠在信封上写通讯地址了。我想让您也看看。我觉得这封信写得像个总督的样子。我的意思是说，是按照总督写信应该用的那种方式写的。”
“由谁写的呢？”公爵夫人问。
“除了倒霉的我，还会有谁呢？”桑乔说。
“你亲笔写的？”公爵夫人问。
“那可没门儿。”桑乔说，“我既不会读，也不会写，只会签个名。”
“那就让我们看看信吧。”公爵夫人说，“你肯定在你的信里充分表现了你的才华。”
桑乔从怀里拿出一封尚未封口的信。公爵夫人接过来，见到信是这样写的：
桑乔·潘萨给他老婆特雷莎·潘萨的信
虽然我挨了一顿鞭子，却称得上是个男子汉了；只要我能当个好总督，挨一顿鞭子也值得。这些你现在可能还不懂，我的特雷莎，不过以后你会明白的。你该知道，我的特雷莎，现在我已决心让你出门乘马车，这符合你的身份。出门不坐车等于爬。你是总督夫人了，谁敢在背后议论你呢！我派人给你送上一件绿猎装，这是我的女主人公爵夫人送给我的。你把它改一下，给咱们的女儿做条连衣裙吧。我在这儿听说，我的主人唐吉诃德是个有头脑的疯子，是个滑稽的蠢货，而我比他也并不逊色。我们一块儿去过蒙特西诺斯洞窟，梅尔林大师要利用我为杜尔西内亚解除魔法，其实，她叫阿尔东萨·洛伦索。我只要打自己三千三百鞭子，她就会恢复她的本来面目。现在我已经打了五下。这件事你对任何人都不要讲，否则会有人说东道西。过几天我就要启程上任去做总督了。我这次去一心想挣钱，听说所有的新总督都是这么想的。我先去摸摸情况，再通知你是否该来陪伴我。毛驴挺好，它让我代它向你多多问候。我就是做了土耳其苏丹，也不会抛弃它。我们的公爵夫人上千遍地吻你的手，而你得回吻她的手两千遍。我的主人说，得体的礼貌不花钱，却比什么都更值钱。上帝没有像上次那样开恩，再赏给我一个装有一百金盾的手提箱。不过你别难过，我的特雷莎，留得青山在，当了总督就不怕没柴烧。让我担心的是，据说一旦当上了总督，就撒不开手了。如果真是那样，我就太亏了，即使缺胳膊短腿的人，靠乞讨也能得不少钱呢。不过无论怎样，我都会让你享福的。上帝会赐福予你，并且让我服侍你。
你的总督夫君
桑乔·潘萨
1614年7月20日于公爵府
公爵夫人看完信对桑乔说：
“善良的总督在两件事上有偏差：其一是信上说或者让人觉得，这个总督的位置是靠吃鞭子换来的，其实，吃鞭子本来就是他份内之事。他明明知道，而且也无法否认，公爵大人许诺他当总督的时候，还没有谁想到吃鞭子的事呢。另外一点就是从信上可以看出他野心很大。我不想让他适得其反，贪心太大反而会坏了事，贪心的总督执法就会不公正。”
“我并不是那个意思，夫人。”桑乔说，“您如果觉得这封信写得不好，那就把它撕了重写。只怕我这点儿本事，越写越糟。”
“不，不是这样。”公爵夫人说，“信写得不错，而且，我还想让公爵大人看看呢。”
说完他们就到花园去了，那天他们要在花园里吃饭。公爵夫人把桑乔的信拿给公爵看，公爵饶有兴趣地接过来看了一遍。吃完饭，撤去了台布，大家又同桑乔说笑了不少时间。这时，忽然响起一阵凄凉的笛声和沉闷杂乱的鼓声。大家都被这种慌乱、急促和忧伤的旋律弄得心慌意乱，唐吉诃德更是坐立不安。桑乔就更别说了，早又吓得习惯性地跑到他的庇护者——公爵夫人的裙边藏了起来，因为那阵阵鼓乐声听起来确实够瘆人的。
心神不定的众人忽然发现有两个人跑进花园来，长长的黑衣服直拖到地上。他们边走边敲鼓，鼓上也蒙着黑布。旁边还有一个人吹笛子，他也像那两个人一样穿着一身黑衣服。后面还有一个身材魁梧的人，他身上披着一件黑长袍，而不是穿着，长袍的下摆特别大。长袍上斜搭着一条宽宽的黑色皮肩带，肩带上挂着一把大刀，刀把和刀鞘也都是黑色的。那人脸上蒙着透明的黑纱，透过黑纱隐约可见他那极长的胡子。他随着鼓声严肃而又平稳地移动着脚步。他那高大的身材，那从头到脚的黑色，以及那相伴的鼓乐声，使所有不相识的人见了都不寒而栗。
公爵和其他人都站在原地没动。那人走到公爵面前，跪了下来。公爵坚持让那人站起来说话。那个面目可怕的人站了起来，揭开脸上的面罩，露出一张世人从未见过的可怕、修长、白皙而且胡须浓密的脸。他的眼睛盯着公爵，浑厚而又洪亮的声音从他那宽阔的胸膛里传出。他说道：
“尊贵的大人，我叫‘白胡子三摆’，是‘三摆裙伯爵夫人’又称‘忧伤妇人’的侍从。我代她给您捎来个口信，就是请您允许她进来诉说一下她的悲伤，她的悲伤可以说比世上最大的悲伤更悲伤。她首先想知道曼查的那位战无不胜的英勇骑士唐吉诃德是否还在您府上，她为此徒步从坎达亚赶到您这儿，连早饭都没吃呢。这简直可以说是奇迹，或者说是靠魔法的力量才能做到的事情。她这会儿就在这座城堡或是别墅的门口，只要您吩咐一声，她就可以进来。我说完了。”
他说完咳嗽一声，双手从上到下一捋胡子，十分平静地等候公爵的回答。公爵说：
“好吧，好侍从‘白胡子三摆’，很多天以前我们就听说了‘三摆裙伯爵夫人’的不幸，魔法师们使她成了‘忧伤妇人’。优秀的侍从啊，你不妨叫她进来，曼查的英勇骑士唐吉诃德就在这里。他襟怀宽广，肯定会答应全力保护和帮助夫人。另外，你还可以替我告诉她，如果她需要我的帮助，我将义不容辞，这也是一个男人应尽的义务。帮助各类妇女。特别是像夫人这样受到欺侮的忧伤寡妇，更是我们的份内之事。”
“三摆”听了此话，跪拜了一下，就示意吹笛敲鼓，然后踏着来时那样的鼓点，迈着同样的步伐走出了花园。众人对这个人的出现和举止依然惊魂未定。公爵转过身来对唐吉诃德说：
“著名的骑士啊，邪恶和无知的阴云终究遮盖不了意志和道德的光芒。我这样说是因为您到此地才六天，就有痛苦忧伤的人仰慕您的盖世功名，从遥远的地方赶来，并且不是乘马车或者骑骆驼，而是饿着肚子徒步走来，相信您的坚实臂膀可以把他们从痛苦和忧伤中解救出来。”
“公爵大人，”唐吉诃德说，“我很希望那天在饭桌上恶意低毁游侠骑士的可爱教士现在能在这里，让他亲眼看看世界上是否需要游侠骑士。他至少可以亲眼观察到，那些遭受到极大苦难的人在遇到巨大危难的关头并没有去律师事务所，也没有去这里的教堂司事和从来不离开家乡的绅士那儿去寻求解决办法，更没有去找无所事事的朝臣。这种人不去争取建立让人们歌功颂德的事业，却只会把人家的事当新闻到处传播。没有任何人能像游侠骑士这样解除痛苦、救危济困、保护少女、安慰寡妇。我不胜感谢老天，让我有幸成了一名游侠骑士。我将不辞万苦行使我的光荣职责。让这位夫人来吧，她有什么要求尽管说，我将以我的臂膀的力量和我的昂扬精神的坚定斗志，把她从危难中解救出来。”